Buffy's Demon
by pepperlandgirl
Summary: A sequel to Spike's Soul. Buffy searches for her origins and struggles with her new found super-super-strength. (B/S)
1. Default Chapter

Title: Buffy's Demon  
  
Disclaimer: Everybody belongs to Joss Whedon, ME, UPN, FOX, etc etc. Not me.  
  
Rating: A tentative R. May become NC-17 at a later chapter, I don't know.  
  
A/N-This is a sequel to Spike's Soul. If you haven't read Spike's Soul, you will be confused and not understand what exactly is going on.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
'Fuck' was Buffy's first thought when she heard Giles' announcement. 'Fuck, fuck, fuck.' But she didn't have time to dwell on the fact that she was now housing a demon because the vampires chose right then to attack. Jumping over Spike's body without a second look, she fell upon the attacking vamps in a frenzy.  
  
Everything passed in a blur. This was so different, and yet so alike, when she was in full Slayer mode. The slaying wasn't just a second nature. She was more powerful than she had ever been before. Without even breaking a sweat she fought brutally and efficiently, and before she knew it, all of the vamps were dead.  
  
Except one.  
  
He still was unconscious, but Buffy was fine with that. As long as he wasn't dusty. She ran to his side, the rest of the gang following closely behind her. She knelt beside him, feeling his body for bruises or broken bones. Other than a few bumps here and there, he was uninjured.  
  
"Did anybody see what happened?" Buffy asked. Her voice sounded funny in her own ears. Exhausted.  
  
"He helped you drive the stake through her, then he passed out," Willow informed her. "That's all we saw."  
  
"Maybe he's a human now?" Anya suggested hopefully, though she knew better.  
  
Buffy shook her head. He was still a vampire. "Let's get home. When we do we can figure all this out."  
  
Buffy picked up Spike effortlessly and through him over his shoulder. She led the way out of the shell of the high school as if she was carrying nothing heavier than a bag of apples.  
  
"Giles," Xander whispered, "Did you see her eyes?"  
  
"When?"  
  
"Well, now."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Why are they purple?"  
  
"It's Lilith."  
  
"Why were her eyes golden before?" Willow inquired, overhearing their conversation.  
  
Giles shrugged, "I imagine whatever .demon.. she had in her was responding to Lilith's presence." He still didn't like to think of what the real source of Buffy's power was. Though it made perfect sense. But a demon living inside the beautiful and strong Slayer? It was almost unbelievable. Almost as unbelievable as the fact that Lilith's power now inhabited her body and she seemed to be taking it in stride.  
  
"If the demon is in her, why isn't killing all of us?"  
  
Giles didn't know the answer that. But he suspected. He didn't want to answer them without doing a bit of research, and talking to Travers. He knew that Quentin was holding out on him, and quite frankly, he was sick of it.  
  
Buffy hurried to her home, moving with almost lightning speed. That didn't register though. Nothing registered except the body in her arms. He was alive. He was still with them. It would all be ok now. So what if the Hellmouth didn't close like it was supposed to? She would worry about that later.  
  
She soon reached her front door and let herself in, not even concerned about where the Scoobies were. She knew that they could take care of themselves. Spike needed blood she decided. For now pig blood would have to do, but in the morning she'd hunt up some human blood for him. Even if she had to force the gang to donate.  
  
She set him on the couch carefully and then hurried into the kitchen. She heated up the blood to the perfect temperature and was surprised to find her stomach grumbling when she smelt the warm blood. This brought her up short. Since when could she smell blood so sharply? And why was it appetizing?  
  
She forced herself to breath and calm down. There was probably a perfectly good explanation behind this. Perfectly normal and logical and . "Oh God," she wailed, "What if I'm a vampire."  
  
Buffy listened for her heartbeat and quickly heard it, beating strong. Still unnerved, she found her pulse and felt the same strong beat. "Ok, so I'm not dead. What the hell is this?"  
  
Before she could do anymore self-exploration she felt Spike wake up. She was used to the odd sensation of feeling Spike since the claim. When something about him changed or shifted, whether he went from sleeping to waking or frowning to smiling, she felt it. At first it was unpleasant. Spike moved around constantly, sending small shivers through her body every time he did. Soon though, out of necessity, she learned to ignore those feelings unless she wanted them.  
  
"Spike, I have some blood for you."  
  
His face quickly changed and he closed his eyes slightly, glaring at her. A growl began low in his chest and soon reverberated through his entire body. "Slayer."  
  
Buffy frowned. "What's wrong with you?"  
  
Spike didn't answer. He was staring at the pulse at her throat, mesmerized. All he knew was that he was hungry, and the Slayer stood before him full of sweet blood, and all he had to do was reach out and grab her. Without further thought, he grabbed her arm, and pulled her to him, catching her off guard.  
  
She fell on top of him and before she could struggle, he buried his face in her neck. She froze, and he smelt her fear. What was worse, he felt it. She was his mate. Surprised he threw her away from him and jumped up, vague memories coming back to him. They were in a fight. They killed something. There were other humans.  
  
She was looking at him with wide, startled green eyes. They stared at each other for an eternity before Spike's face changed and confused blue eyes looked to her for answers. Before she could respond, he fled.  
  
She brought a shaky hand up and wiped the hair from her eyes. Something was seriously wrong with the chipless, soulless, Master Vampire.  
  
Fuck.  
  
***  
  
Spike ran as if his life depended on it. Come to think of it, his life probably did depend on it. He had tried to feed from the Slayer. There was no way she was going to let him get away with that.  
  
The further Spike ran, the more his head cleared. By the time he reached his crypt he had completely gotten over the bloodlust and he nearly remembered everything. He didn't stop at his home though, but kept moving farther and farther away from Buffy's house.  
  
By the time he reached Sunnyhell's city limits, his mind was completely clear and the demon was firmly under control. He remembered waking up, twice, and both times he needed, wanted, and craved her blood so bad he was more than willing to kill her. But both times the surprising fact that she was his stopped him.  
  
What else did the situations have in common? That he was unconscious? That didn't make any sense. Spike had been unconscious around the Slayer before and never felt the urge to suck her dry. He hadn't wanted to feed from her, really drain her, for nearly three years. Now in the same night he was tempted not once, but twice.  
  
Spike began to walk back to his crypt, deciding it would be best to beat the sun home. His mind raced, replaying the night over and over. There were, of course, huge voids, but he knew that's when he had been out cold. What had happened to all of them while he was gone?  
  
Another thing that bothered Spike were Buffy's eyes. When they had left the house earlier that evening, they were the beautiful green they have always been. By the time they reached the school, gold sparks flew from her eyes and the depths danced with energy. That night when we woke up, they had temporarily flashed purple. In his muddled, hungry, confused state he almost didn't notice. But they were definitely purple.  
  
What the hell was going on?  
  
***  
  
Giles, Anya, Willow, and Xander finally reached Buffy's house. They were tired and just didn't have it in them to hurry. When they burst through the door they were extremely surprised to find Buffy sitting on the couch alone, looking shell-shocked.  
  
"Willow? Help me get her to bed," Giles instructed, concerned. He knew that Buffy had had a difficult fight. She must still be reeling by the fact that the vampires hadn't died. But most importantly, she had Lilith's demon. There was no telling what exactly that was doing to Buffy and he was extremely concerned.  
  
He knelt down in front of her, and she didn't even glance at him.  
  
"Buffy?" He asked gently.  
  
Her gaze shifted and now she was looking him straight in the eye. "Giles."  
  
"Are you ok?"  
  
Buffy frowned, "I'm tired."  
  
Giles searched for the perfect way to ask the question he needed an answer to. "Buffy, are you in control."  
  
"He ran away."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Spike tried to bite me, stopped, and ran away."  
  
"Why did Spike try to bite you?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Buffy, are you in control?" He repeated his previous question.  
  
"I know she's here with me Giles, but I am definitely in control."  
  
"Would you like us to help you to bed?"  
  
"No," Buffy's voice was distant and Giles could tell she was no longer really talking to him. "I'll be fine."  
  
She stood up and slowly moved towards the stairs, the energy and power she felt earlier gone. Now she just felt drained. Drained of blood, drained of life, drained of love. She paused at the base of the stairs.  
  
"Giles, find Spike."  
  
"Are you afraid he's going to hurt somebody?"  
  
"He won't hurt you."  
  
Then she was upstairs and they all heard the door shut.  
  
"Willow and Anya, go get some sleep. I know how exhausted you must be."  
  
"But we want to help you find Spike," Willow protested.  
  
"Willow," Giles tone was still gentle, but commanding. "Xander, come with me."  
  
"Do you think he's out terrorizing the locals?"  
  
Giles shook his head, "I honestly don't know what's going on. We won't know until we find him." 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
  
The first place they looked for Spike was his crypt, and they weren't disappointed. He sat on the tomb, his legs dangling off the side. There was a look of deep concentration on his face, he seemed completely absorbed in his thoughts. Giles realized with a start that he looked just like Buffy did before she went to bed.  
  
"Spike?"  
  
"What the matter Giles?"  
  
"With who?"  
  
"With both of us."  
  
Giles advanced slowly, cautiously he held up a cross.  
  
"Why aren't I dead? I was supposed to die, and everything was supposed to ok for my girls. What happened?"  
  
Giles sighed, "I really don't know Spike."  
  
Spike looked at the watcher, his face stricken. "Why did I want to bite her?"  
  
"When did you want to bite her?" Giles was questioning the vampire closely because he doubted they had much time. He needed to get as much information as possible.  
  
Spike shook his head, "Both times I woke up. It was like the demon was in complete control. I couldn't think of anything else except draining her. You know what stopped me?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"The claim."  
  
Giles frowned, "You mean the demon really was in complete control the entire time?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
He backed away slowly.  
  
"Stop Watcher. I'm not going to hurt you, or anybody else. Whatever was going on is over now."  
  
"Spike, I think I know why you couldn't control yourself."  
  
Spike braced himself for what was to come next. 'You don't really love her.' Or 'You'll never be anything but an animal.' Or something equally wrong. He was surprised when he heard none of those things.  
  
"It was Lilith."  
  
Spike frowned, "Maybe the first time, but what about when we got home?"  
  
"Lilith is."  
  
"Lilith is what?"  
  
"Lilith is in Buffy."  
  
Spike gaped. "What?"  
  
"After you passed out, the demon turned to mist and completely enveloped her, and then entered her."  
  
"So you're saying that anytime I get close to her my demon will take control?"  
  
Giles nodded.  
  
"And what about her? As she turned into the Vampire Queen?"  
  
"It would appear not. She seems to have complete control, but amazing, unbelievable strength. I have never seen anything fight like her before."  
  
"Watcher. I need to get some sleep." Spike's voice was hoarse. Did Giles see a tear in one of the vampire's clear blue eyes?  
  
"Of course. One of us will come by tomorrow to update you on the situation. In the meantime, perhaps it would be best if you stayed away from the house."  
  
Spike waved him off impatiently, then jumped off the tomb and went downstairs. He heard Giles leave as he slumped onto the bed, shaking.  
  
Until they figured out what was going on, Spike would have to stay away from Buffy. A horrible thought occurred to Spike, what if this was what she was meant to become? The ultimate Slayer, unstoppable and unbreakable? Unable to be with the vampire who loved her.  
  
Spike sighed. This was much, much worse than being dead. He would rather have died instantly than experience the torture of being unable to be in her glorious, golden presence.  
  
***  
  
Buffy couldn't sleep. She was tired. More exhausted than she could remember being in a very long time. But she was cold, and she was lonely, and worried about Spike. Giles had returned within an hour of leaving and ducked his head into her room.  
  
"Buffy? Spike is fine. He's in his crypt."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I'll explain tomorrow. Try to get some rest."  
  
She had been preparing for this night for awhile. She thought she was ready to live without Spike. She thought she would be ready to fact the world without him beside her, fighting for her, fighting for all of them. But there was no way she could have foreseen this.  
  
She didn't need Giles to explain what was going on. It took her some time to figure it out, but she knew what was going on. She was never the brightest girl in her class, but she wasn't stupid either.  
  
Lilith was driving Spike away. As long as this demon was in her body, she couldn't be with him. She understood that one way around that would be for Spike to get his soul back. But there is no way he could withstand countless thousands of people staking him, burning him, bruising him, tormenting him.  
  
And it's not like he could just get another one. Giles had been very specific about what made Spike so special. He had William's soul. A random soul would do him no good.  
  
The only thing she didn't understand is why Spike spared her not once, but twice. Did it have something to do with the claim? Nothing else made sense. Buffy was rather amazed that it was strong enough to override Spike's most basic instinct. Spike had told her himself that nothing is as amazing, as potent, as Slayer's blood. Yet he managed to resist.  
  
Buffy's mind flashed to what happened just before Lilith was staked. Buffy was only able to make her move because she looked at Spike so intently. There was something more than curiosity in her voice when she said, "Your mate?". It sounded like bewilderment, and maybe hope.  
  
Why would the vampiress sound hopeful about that? Buffy felt like she was something she was missing. Something staring her in the face. Something her tired brain just couldn't latch on to.  
  
Buffy curled into a fetal position, confused and miserable, and began to sob.  
  
***  
  
Giles sat in the Summers' living room, listening to his Slayer sob. She wasn't even trying to hide her tears. She was usually so guarded, rarely crying in front of anybody. But now great wails tore through her body, like she might die.  
  
Giles wanted to run upstairs and comfort her. She wasn't just his slayer, she was his daughter. It tore him up inside to know that Buffy was not crying for her new situation. She was crying for the vampire.  
  
But Giles knew he couldn't just dismiss Spike as "the vampire" anymore. He didn't like Spike. He would probably never forgive him for what he did, or nearly did, to Buffy. But he saw something that night that he never, ever thought he would see.  
  
It didn't surprise Giles that the human part of Spike loved Buffy. He would be surprised if anybody could be in Buffy's life and not love her. But he clearly saw Spike, the unrepentant demon, stand up to the most powerful vampire all time and help Buffy. He knew that Lilith was feeding Spike energy, counting on her pull to lure Spike into attacking Buffy from behind.  
  
Spike blamed the claim, but they both knew better. Demons weren't forced to honor the binding. It was more of a matter of tradition than anything. There was certainly no punishment or repercussions if a vampire rescinded or broke a claim in some way. The implications of what happened that night was amazing.  
  
First, that Buffy allowed Spike to take her as a mate. That implied a level of intimacy beyond sex. He didn't know if Buffy realized it or not, but Spike had pledged his entire unlife to her and her protection. Second, that the demon really was a part of Spike, not a separate part put in a safe little box. Soul or no soul, the demon would always be part of who Spike was.  
  
Which lead to the most important conclusion of all. Even the more evil, vile, disgusting parts of Spike was in love with Buffy.  
  
It truly boggled his mind.  
  
He was going to find an answer to this problem, not for Spike's sake. He was going to find an answer because he never wanted to hear Buffy cry like her heart was breaking again.  
  
***  
  
Quentin Travers sat alone in Rupert's bedroom, looking out the window, deep in thought. He knew what happened tonight. He had tried to warn that damned vampire hadn't he? He had tried to tell them not to fight this fight. He had did his best to stop them.  
  
But the Slayer was too stubborn to listen to him, and Spike? He was the most willful, arrogant, obnoxious thing Travers had ever met. It gave him a small bit of satisfaction to know that he was probably sitting alone in his crypt, without his precious Buffy. He knew that the vampire wasn't dead. Nobody that stubborn was going to let something like the First Vampire and the Super Slayer finish him off.  
  
Travers sighed and rubbed his eyes. This was not going according to plan at all. Things had a way of spinning completely out of control. Well, they did not anyway. For hundreds of years the Council had protected the Slayers-and their vampire lovers-from themselves. He guessed they were fortunate that nothing like the dynamic duo of Buffy and Spike had happened before.  
  
He wondered idly if he should just tell Rupert about the long standing tradition of taking a vampire lover. No matter what the watchers did, no matter what the Council threatened, no matter how much the Council had indoctrinated their slayers, they always, always ended up sleeping with vampires.  
  
Buffy thought she was so special, her life was so traumatic, because she had to kill her lover. Quentin was first amused at her innocence, but it quickly turned to anger when the lil bint had skipped town for three months abandoning her duties after she sent Angelus to hell. She was one of the lucky ones. At least her Watcher approved. At least she fell in love with someone who had a soul. At least she survived her love affair with a vampire.  
  
There were many, many slayers who weren't so lucky. Inevitably their love would meet their duty, and torn, they would always turn to their Slayer strength and their sacred duty. And in the process they would get themselves killed. Quentin sighed; they had lost more slayers that way.  
  
He knew that Rupert would arrive soon and demand answers. Quentin considered how many answers he should give. If they knew the entire truth would they be able to keep control of Buffy? And how far would that blonde vampire go to keep his lover by his side? Quentin had seen many vampires in his time, he had read about many more, but none of them were as willful and headstrong as Buffy's two lovers. Angel was out of the picture now, but what of Spike?  
  
A small smile reached Travers' lips. No matter what, it promised to be interesting. He hoped he survived to document the experience. The insight gained here would be invaluable to future watchers and slayers. 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
  
"Spike? Are you here?" Dawn asked as she walked into the vampire's crypt, carefully closing the door behind her. She was scared and confused. Nobody told her what was going on. All she knew what that Giles had gone to his house to "talk" to Travers, Willow and Anya were in full research mode, Xander was running around Sunnydale buying food and supplies and gathering books, and Buffy was sitting in her room, sobbing.  
  
Buffy had been sobbing all night. She thought it was because Spike was dead, so her own sobs echoed Buffy's. When she emerged from her room late that morning, her eyes red and swollen, Willow took one look at her and rushed to hold her. For once Dawn didn't pull away from Willow's embrace.  
  
"Dawnie," Willow said gently, "Spike's not dead."  
  
At first she was speechless with joy and quickly looked around the room to see his familiar blonde head. Willow noticed her darting eyes. "He's not here either."  
  
"Where is he?" Her voice was trembling.  
  
"We think he's in his crypt."  
  
"Why isn't he here?"  
  
"That's what we're trying to find out, Dawn," Anya said, coming from behind her.  
  
"Why is Buffy still crying? Didn't you guys win?"  
  
Willow nodded, "We won. We think we did anyway. Dawn, I promise we'll explain everything as soon as we understand it."  
  
Dawn finally pulled away, "I'm going to go see him."  
  
"Dawnie, we don't know if that's safe," Willow was still using the same gentle tone.  
  
"I have to see him." She ran through the house and out the backdoor. Willow moved to follow her, but Anya put a hand on her shoulder.  
  
So that's why she found herself standing in the empty, upper level of Spike's crypt, her stomach tied in a bundle of nerves. She climbed down the ladder and her eyes took a moment to adjust to the dimness of the room.  
  
She saw him lying on the partially destroyed bed, his eyes closed. He was completely still. He looked horrible. Dawn walked over to the bed as quietly as possible. She wouldn't wake him up, she just needed to touch him and make sure he was real.  
  
Spike cracked one eye open slightly and watched her slowly and carefully make her way across the room.  
  
"Whatcha doin' Niblet?"  
  
She jumped nearly a foot. "You scared me Spike." He raised an eyebrow. "I wanted to make sure you are ok."  
  
"I'm fine, Bit. How's your sister."  
  
Dawn shrugged. "When I left she was still in her room crying. She's been crying all night."  
  
Spike frowned. He knew she was crying, he could feel her sobs through his entire body. "Did they tell you what happened last night Bit?"  
  
She shook her head. "Buffy won't answer me, Giles and Xander are not there, and Willow and Anya are researching."  
  
Spike sighed. "I can't tell you much. I was unconscious most of the fight. I can tell you though that I won't be able to see Buffy for awhile." Maybe forever.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I really, really think Buffy should explain everything to you. Please, Dawn, let her explain."  
  
"Nobody will tell me what's going on!" She shouted in frustration.  
  
Spike put a comforting hand on her arm, "Only because we don't know what's going on."  
  
With a small whimper Dawn flung herself into Spike and wrapped her arms around his neck. Spike pulled her into a brotherly embrace and let her cry tears of relief. "You should know that it would take a hell of a lot more than bitch to kill me, Bit."  
  
She sniffed, "I know."  
  
He held her for several minutes, until she calmed down and pulled away. "Is there anything you need? Do you have enough blood?"  
  
Spike grimaced, "I don't think I have any blood here." "I'll bring you some. We have some at home, and I can stop at the butcher's," she offered eagerly.  
  
"Thanks Niblet. Can you get a message to your sister for me?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Ok, wait here and I'll write it down for you."  
  
Dear Slayer, I know you've been crying. I can feel it. I know things look bad right now, but we'll figure something out. We always do. I didn't tell the Niblet anything, I told her you would explain it. I'm fine. I'm under control. I miss you and I will find a way to see you soon. I love you Buffy. Spike.  
  
"Give this to your sis."  
  
"Ok Spike, I'll see you later."  
  
"Be careful, Bit."  
  
***  
  
"Where were you?" Buffy demanded as soon as Dawn walked in the door.  
  
Buffy's eyes were swollen and very red. She had huge bags under her eyes and her skin was extremely pale, except for hectic red splotches on her cheeks. Her hair was a mess pulled into an untidy pony tail. She was wearing an old pair of sweats and a ratty t-shirt, and her mouth was set in a straight, firm line.  
  
In short, she looked like hell.  
  
"I was visiting Spike," Dawn said, raising her chin defiantly.  
  
Buffy's features softened slightly, "How is he?"  
  
"He feels about as bad as you look."  
  
Buffy sighed, "Cute. Does he need anything?"  
  
"I'm bringing him some blood. Here, he told me to give you this," Dawn said, handing the small scrap of paper to Buffy.  
  
She read it then carefully folded the note and put in her pocket. "Tell him I'll send Xander over with some blood from Willy's tonight, ok?"  
  
"No problem."  
  
Buffy didn't say anything, just turned around and sat down on the couch next to Willow. Willow patted her knee, trying to comfort her. Buffy offered her friend a slight smile. Their eyes had hope in them, but deep down inside they both knew that they would not be able to find a solution for this particular problem.  
  
Dawn sensed this and did her best to control to stop the tears from falling as she walked into the kitchen to get the blood from the fridge. "Dawn!" Buffy called as she opened the back door.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
Buffy walked into the kitchen. "Come here." Buffy grabbed Dawn in a tight hug. "I know that you're confused. I promise I'll tell you everything as soon as you get back."  
  
Dawn nodded. "I'm just so happy he's not gone." She heard a sob start in Buffy's throat, but her sister didn't have any more tears left in her.  
  
"Me too, Dawnie, me too."  
  
***  
  
"Buffy, did you get any sleep last night?" Willow asked, concerned.  
  
"No, did you?"  
  
Willow shrugged, "Yeah, a few hours or so."  
  
"Where's Giles?"  
  
"He says he has some things to discuss with Travers. I'm thinking not much talking is going on."  
  
Buffy snorted, "Good. I think I should let Spike have a chance to talk to him to too."  
  
Willow smiled. "Anya is talking to some of her demon friends, finding out what they know."  
  
"What are you doing?" "I'm trying to figure out a way to get Spike's soul back. Buffy, what happened? What's wrong with Spike?"  
  
"You remember when Quentin said that Spike would not be strong enough to face Lilith without a soul? Well, he's not. His demon instantly responds to Lilith, and the only thing that stopped him from biting me is the claim."  
  
Willow's mouth dropped open. "So that means you guys can't see each other."  
  
Buffy nodded. "We have to figure out what happened and how to reverse it."  
  
"Buffy," Willow said tentatively, "What if this is what is supposed to happen?"  
  
Buffy looked up sharply, "What?"  
  
"What if this is how you become, like, the Ultimate Slayer? What if it's the next step of your 'sacred calling'?"  
  
Buffy rubbed her eyes. "So you think that in order for me to complete my sacred calling, I need to completely abandon the person I love?"  
  
Willow rushed to reassure her, "But I don't know anything. I was just speculating. I'm sure that's not what's going on at all. Come on, let's get something to eat.  
  
***  
  
"What is the exact phrasing of the prophecy?" Giles demanded.  
  
Travers squinted at him, "You have it."  
  
Giles didn't punch him, though he wanted to badly. "No, the prophecy doesn't say anything about the demon entering Buffy."  
  
"Prophecies are tricky things, you know that Rupert. Wasn't there one about your Slayer dying? More often than not they are self-fulfilling, and often one reads them completely wrong."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
Travers sighed and rolled his eyes. "Ok, didn't it say that all the vampires would die when Lilith was defeated?"  
  
"Yes, but they didn't."  
  
"Yes, they did. Your Slayer killed them all."  
  
Giles couldn't argue with that logic. "What about Spike?"  
  
"I told him he needed a soul to fight Lilith. I didn't say anything about defeating her, did I? He can't fight her, or his demon, without a soul. He can't control himself."  
  
"What else you holding out on us?" Giles demanded.  
  
"Don't get mad at me. I told you guys not to fight her. I tried to stop you. But your stubborn Slayer and her arrogant vampire didn't listen."  
  
Giles counted to ten to control his temper. It wouldn't due to pound Travers to a pulp, as satisfying as that would be. "Ok, how do we get Lilith out of Buffy?"  
  
Travers laughed, and Giles' fists clenched at his side. "You don't. Don't you understand? All the vampires die and the Hellmouth closes because the Slayer is finally strong enough to defeat them. This is the Slayer's destiny. If Buffy doesn't succeed, the next Slayer called with have Lilith's power." 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
  
"Well, I don't accept that," Spike announced when Giles finished explaining the situation to him.  
  
"That doesn't matter Spike. There's nothing you can do about it."  
  
"There bloody well is!"  
  
"What?" Giles demanded.  
  
Spike frowned, "I don't know yet."  
  
"There's nothing you can do."  
  
"Rupert, Buffy once told me what Angel said about me when I first came to Sunnydale. You remember what he said?"  
  
"Once he starts something he doesn't stop."  
  
"I'm not giving up on her Giles. Not when I can finally have her. Not after all the shit we've been through."  
  
"What do you suggest we do?"  
  
"What you white hats always do. Research."  
  
Spike watched Giles leave the crypt and then sighed. He talked big, but in reality, he had no idea what he was going to do. This was Buffy's destiny, like Spike suspected. Whatever he did he had to keep that fact in mind. He couldn't do anything that would change her or hurt her in any way.  
  
Spike paced around the crypt, working out his extra energy. He knew this whole thing was his fault, but at the same time, there was nothing else he could do. If only that goddamned Travers had left him alone, there wouldn't be a problem.  
  
The only thing stopping Spike from going to the watcher's house and ripping out Travers' throat was that Spike was still trying to act like he had the soul. Buffy finally loved him, and there was absolutely no reason for him to go and fuck it up just because he was extremely, undeniably, completely angry with the man.  
  
Of course, if Buffy asked him to rip out the man's throat, he'd be more than happy to oblige. ***  
  
It was after dark when Willow came to the crypt. "I brought blood from Willy's."  
  
Spike smiled, "Thanks Red. Here, let me put that in the fridge."  
  
"How you doing?"  
  
Spike shrugged, "I'll survive. What about you?"  
  
"I feel better than I thought I would. I was really scared."  
  
He nodded, "You know, nobody is supposed to be able to get into vampire's minds. How do you do that?"  
  
"I'm not entirely sure. Concentration. Well, the other night it was more fear than anything."  
  
"I'm sorry, Willow."  
  
She looked up, startled and confused. "Sorry about what?"  
  
"When I woke up I wanted to rip your throat out," Spike replied calmly.  
  
Willow gave a small, shaky smile. "But you didn't."  
  
"Only because of the claim."  
  
She shrugged, "It doesn't matter. We knew there would be a risk. Isn't that why you insisted on claiming us?"  
  
"Yeah, but I still feel bad about it. Maybe I still have a bit of residual soul. How's Buffy?"  
  
"She freaked royally when Giles told her. She's been alternating between crying and researching. One minute she's a wreck, the next she's take charge girl."  
  
Spike punched the wall in frustration, making Willow jump. "Is there anything I can do to help?"  
  
Willow shrugged, "We can bring some books over, I think. Though honestly I don't think we'll be able to find anything in the books."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because the Watcher's council has made sure to destroy as many references to Lilith as possible, and because Travers' worked his own brand of mojo on your soul."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Whatever spell he used won't be found in any book. He created it himself."  
  
"That's why the only way to undo it is to let it run its course?"  
  
Willow nodded.  
  
"Well that's just bloody brilliant isn't it?"  
  
"We're not going to give up though, Spike. There may be something I can do."  
  
Spike looked at her suspiciously, "I don't want you doing anything that will you."  
  
Touched by his concern Willow hurriedly assured him that it wouldn't hurt you. "I'll be fine, especially with help from Anya and Giles. If Tara were here.." Spike didn't say anything, just let the witch get herself under control. "Anyway, it's something."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I don't want to tell you right now. Not unless I'm sure we can do it. It make take a few days for me to research. I'll tell you as soon I know."  
  
"Ok, Red."  
  
"Oh! Before I go, Buffy asked me to give you this." Willow handed him a small note.  
  
Dear Spike, I felt you crying too. I guess this goes both ways. I know I should be excited and happy about my new power, but I'm not. I'm patrolling tonight. Just wanna give you fair warning. I don't want anything to happen to you. I love you. Buffy.  
  
Spike looked up, "Can you wait a sec before you leave?"  
  
"No problem."  
  
Spike quickly found a small notebook and pen and jotted his response.  
  
Slayer, Don't worry about coming to my cemetery. I'll take care of things here. If you need anything at all, you know I'll be here. Send one of the Scoobies and I'll do whatever they ask me to. Whatever you need me to. Try to get some sleep. Love you. Spike.  
  
"One of us will come tomorrow, to update you on what's going on."  
  
Spike nodded, "You know I'll be here."  
  
***  
  
Buffy hated patrolling. She used to love it. It used to be kinda fun. Now it was lonely. And it wasn't fun at all. She could complete her sweeps in half the time and kill twice as many demons. She didn't let any of the gang come with her because they would get in the way and they couldn't move as fast she could.  
  
Spike could though. Spike would be able to keep up and he wouldn't get in her way. It didn't matter if she didn't need his help, she just needed him there with her. But the days bled into weeks and other than the short notes they sent back and forth they hadn't talked at all.  
  
Spike tried to call her once, but it didn't do any good because neither one of them could speak. They were both too choked up with frustration, anger, rage, passion, disappointment, and love. So they stuck to short little notes.  
  
It did help that she could still feel him. The little twinges and shivers that she pushed away before she welcomed now. It felt good to concentrate a little and be able to tell if he was eating, sleeping, reading, watching TV, or whatever else. Sometimes she could almost hear his thoughts. Almost.  
  
But being forced to stay away from Spike gave her the opportunity to really concentrate on Lilith's demon. It wasn't really a demon, it was more of her essence. Honestly, Buffy didn't understand nor did she care to. She was just excited and relieved that she could control it.  
  
Other than her strength, it really hadn't changed her at all. At first she was afraid that she would actually turn into a demon herself. The fact that she could smell blood and hear heartbeats didn't help relieve her fears. But Giles hastened to assure her that she had only developed vampire senses, not actually turned into one.  
  
It was pretty cool actually, once she learned to control it. The entire world was full of smells. Spike once explained that everybody had a signature scent, that's how he could always tell when she was around. He had also told her that the human body releases pheromones when there are strong emotions, such as fear and anger. It took some time for Buffy to figure out which smell went with which emotion.  
  
Her heightened senses were amazing when patrolling and she wondered how she had done it so many years with just Slayer senses. Her senses were always sharper than a regular human, but compared to what she could do now, Slayer senses were nothing.  
  
She wished Spike could help her understand everything. The world now had so many layers and she was having trouble sorting through all of them. So many sounds and smells and textures.  
  
Sometimes, late in the night, she would even smell Spike outside her window, his scent wafting in on the night breeze. It carried with it power and an almost feral hunger that frightened her. But Spike always left before the bloodlust overwhelmed him, and the regular kind of lust overwhelmed her.  
  
She was extremely jealous of her friends. They all took turns keeping Spike company, visiting him once or twice a day, bringing blood and news. She could feel Spike's hopelessness and depression, and she encouraged her friends to go see him as often as they could. Spike was a social creature, and didn't do well by himself. He would never, ever admit that he actually needed people around him, but Buffy knew.  
  
She wrapped up her patrol and hurried home. She had promised everybody that they would go to the Bronze that night and relax. It promised to be slow there since it was the middle of the week. She didn't like the idea of taking Dawn out on a school night, but the girl needed a break. She had thrown herself into researching like the rest of them, on top of her schoolwork.  
  
A night at the Bronze was just what she needed.  
  
***  
  
Spike paced his crypt impatiently until he felt Buffy return home, safe and sound. He hated her patrolling by herself, but he had heard from various demons that she was completely unstoppable now. She didn't need help anymore.  
  
Spike reached for a drink only to discover that all of his alcohol was gone. He needed to get out of the crypt and he needed a drink.  
  
He shrugged and grabbed his duster. He knew that if went to Willy's then he would probably just get in a fight, and he wasn't in the mood for that. He decided to go to the Bronze. He wasn't worried about running into Buffy. She probably wanted to relax at home after patrolling and besides, it was a school night. She wouldn't let Dawn go out on a school night and she wouldn't let Dawn stay home by herself.  
  
A night out would probably do him some good. 


	5. Chapter 5

A/N-This chapter is NC-17. Also, sorry it's taking me so long to update. I was trying to figure out how exactly to solve everybody's problems. But I think I got it. Thanks everybody for the reviews and the patience. I'm glad y'all seem to be enjoying this story so much. That means a lot to me.  
  
Chapter 5 The Bronze wasn't as empty as Spike thought it would be. It was throbbing with life as young adults drank, talked, and danced. Spike moved easily through the crowds, flashing smiles at pretty girls making eyes at him.  
  
As he walked through the throng to the bar it made him feel good to know that he could rip out their throats and bathe in their blood if he wanted to, but that he didn't have any such desire. Hearing their pounding hearts and smelling their blood coursing through their veins, so close to the surface, didn't even stir his bloodlust.  
  
He was in control.  
  
At the bar he ordered a beer then turned around to survey the crowds. It reminded him the first time he came to he Bronze, the first time he saw her. She was dancing with her friends, completely unaware of how sexy she was, how beautiful. Spike however was not unaware of that fact.  
  
All we've ever done is dance.  
  
Spike finished off his second beer and decided to step outside for a smoke and see if there were any damsels in distress who needed his help. The Bronze was a great hunting ground, especially for fledgling vampires who didn't know anything about catching their own food.  
  
Spike wasn't surprised when he stepped outside and heard a scream of fear. "Hey there, wanna let the lady go?" Spike asked casually.  
  
The vampire turned around and growled, "Catch your own dinner."  
  
Spike shrugged, walked up the other vampire, and punched him in the face sending him flying across the ally. "Go on, get out of here," he said over his shoulder before advancing on the vampire to finish him off.  
  
Five more vampires stepped out of the shadows. "Think you can take all of us?" One of them sneered.  
  
Spike laughed, "I know I can."  
  
He decided to play with them a little bit to relieve some tension. The gang of vampires got a few good punches in, but it was hardly enough to phase Spike, who all of a sudden seemed to be a little out of control. Before he even realized it he had vamped out, and were now taking the other vampires quickly and easily. He was almost in a frenzy and was very disappointed to find himself standing alone in a pile of ashes.  
  
He bent over and forced himself to calm down. He took long, steady, unneeded breaths until he felt like he was under control again. His fangs retracted and soon he looked like just a regular guy again, having a smoke and taking a break from the music and noise.  
  
He stomped out the cigarette and casually walked back inside. He had only gone a few steps when he felt his demon struggle to the surface again. With a growl he forced it back and moved towards the bar, briefly glancing at the dance floor. What he saw stopped him in his tracks and he didn't even bother forcing his face back to normal. Rage, hurt, hunger coursed through his body. But above all that was overwhelming possession. "Mine," he growled.  
  
***  
  
She had Willow scope the Bronze to make sure that a certain blonde vampire wasn't already there. She wanted to see Spike more than anything, but she didn't want to cause a blood bath.  
  
Willow returned quickly and said that he wasn't around. They found an empty table near the dance floor, and Xander took their orders.  
  
"Just a diet Coke for me, thanks," Buffy said, eyes scanning the room. Willow said that he wasn't here, but she still sensed.something. She concentrated hard on her bite scar on her neck. She had learned that if she focused her attention there it would be easier to pick up Spike's vibes.  
  
He was fighting somewhere, and he seemed to be really angry about something. She wasn't surprised. Spike was angry a lot lately.  
  
She had been staring off into space, thinking about Spike, when the young man walked up her. "Uh.excuse me?"  
  
"What?" Buffy asked, quickly pulled out of her fantasy world.  
  
"Would you care to dance?"  
  
Buffy looked around and realized that Xander was still at the bar, but everyone else was on the dance floor. She didn't really want to, but she did come to the Bronze to have a bit of fun. A slow song was starting. She flashed the stranger a quick smile and offered her hand.  
  
"What's your name?" The young man asked as he led her to the dance floor.  
  
"Buffy. You?"  
  
"Devon."  
  
"Nice to meet you."  
  
He wrapped an arm around her waist tentatively and they began to move to the music. She could tell that Devon was nervous, the smell poured off the boy in waves. Buffy didn't give him much thought though. She was still concentrating on what Spike was up to.  
  
She felt his presence before she saw him. His growl reverberated through her body. "Mine."  
  
Buffy quickly broke away from her partner, but it was too late. Spike had already reached her side and grabbed her arm. He turned to face the frightened young man and growled again, his eyes flashing a warning.  
  
"Spike." Buffy started.  
  
He growled again and started dragging hre to the door.  
  
"Buffy!" Willow called.  
  
Buffy knew she could handle Spike, she wasn't the least bit scared of him. But she knew her friends would be frightened. And who could blame them? Spike hadn't stopped growling and everybody gave him wide berth as he walked towards the door.  
  
"I'll be fine Willow. Just, everybody stay in here and wait for me." That was all she could say before Spike dragged her out the door.  
  
"Spike, stop," she demanded. But he didn't seem to hear her. He dragged her into the ally, behind the dumpster and shoved her against the wall.  
  
"Spike." She was cut off by his mouth pressing against hers, his fangs cutting into her lips. She opened her mouth and kissed him back. God she missed him so much. She pushed away from him long enough to catch her breath then let him capture her mouth once again.  
  
One hand wound its way into her hair, grasping her scalp. Spike lifted his head then pulled hers back, exposing her neck. He begin kissing her neck until his lips found his mark. He gently let his fangs sink into her neck and began drinking from her. She moaned, though she didn't know if it was from protest or pleasure.  
  
Her hands moved down his chest to his pants and his zipper. She undid it and grabbed his erect and throbbing cock. With his spare hand he lifted her skirt up and pushed her now soaked panties to the side. He lifted his head and licked his lips.  
  
His eyes were molten gold and her eyes flashed purple. She wrapped his legs around his waist and he thrust his cock into her. There was nothing gentle or loving about this. He was fucking her as hard as he could into the wall, growling and biting her. She clunk to his neck and let her fingernails scratch his neck and back.  
  
He sunk his fangs into her and started drinking again. "Mine, mine, mine," he growled against her skin, daring her to dispute him.  
  
But she didn't argue. "Yours," she screamed as her world exploded in blood and love. Her convulsing muscles throbbed around him until he roared with his release. She continued to cling to him, relief washing over her. It had been far, far too long. She just wanted to stay in his arms.  
  
But she knew from the growls coming from his chest that that wasn't an option. She untangled herself and lifted her neck to him one more time. When he moved into drink, she fisted her hands together and hit him in the back of his head as hard as she could. He fell with a thud, unconscious.  
  
She easily lifted him and carried him the short distance to his crypt. She didn't want to leave him out in the sun, but she also needed to be as far away from as possible when he finally woke up.  
  
She quickly jotted a small note for him, leaving it on his microwave where she was sure he'd find it.  
  
Spike, I'm sorry I knocked you out. I didn't know what else to do. Don't feel bad about what happened. I wanted it. Love you Buffy 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6  
  
"He did that," Giles said flatly the next morning when Buffy emerged from her room. Giles was referring to the various bite marks on her face and neck that she couldn't cover with make-up.  
  
"Yes," Buffy said calmly, but didn't volunteer anymore information.  
  
"You know it's dangerous to be around him."  
  
"Well, we kinda just ran into each other," Buffy said lamely.  
  
"Yes, Willow told me that he dragged you out of the Bronze, growling," Giles said.  
  
"Yeah, he was kinda upset. He saw me dancing with somebody else."  
  
Giles sighed and removed his glasses. "Did he hurt you?"  
  
Buffy shrugged, "I knocked him out and dragged him back to his crypt. Someone should go check on him today."  
  
"God Buffy, what happened to you?" Dawn asked horrified.  
  
"Nothing, I'm fine."  
  
"Was it Spike? He was acting a little crazy last night."  
  
"A little?" Willow spoke up, "He looked like he was ready to kill everybody in the room."  
  
"Oh, he did not," Buffy protested. "You guys are exaggerating." Though she had to admit that Spike probably did look pretty frightening. She hadn't been afraid of him, why should she be? She could crush his skull between her hands as easily as crushing a grape.  
  
"Well, if you're sure your OK."  
  
"I'm sure," Buffy said with a bright, and sincere, smile.  
  
***  
  
Spike woke up disoriented and confused. He looked around and realized he was in the upper part of his crypt He didn't know how got there though.  
  
He concentrated and reached for Buffy. She seemed to be ok. Relieved, he warmed some blood for breakfast and rubbed his head gently. He realized he had a knot in the back. At the same time his eyes caught the note on the microwave.  
  
"Don't be sorry? Sorry about what?" Then the memories hit him. "Oh..God."  
  
Spike put the blood down, no longer hungry. He remembered coming back into the Bronze and seeing her dancing with some wanker. That didn't bother him so much. What bothered him was the fact that he completely lost control.  
  
He remembered their furious coupling and how he fed from her..twice. And was more than willing to do it a third time but she knocked him out. "She didn't know what else to do..to stop me? Oh God."  
  
He began pacing the room quickly. He could have drained her, he ***would*** have drained her if she would have let him. "Drain her, I would have drained her," he muttered under his breath repeatedly.  
  
This was not good. This was very, very bad. What if next time he saw her and lost control she wouldn't be able to stop him? What if he hurt her? He was relieved that she apparently wanted him as badly as he wanted her, but what of next time? What if next time she didn't want it? What if he tried to force himself on her? Again.  
  
She would probably kill him, and he had no problem with that. He'd want her to. But he never, ever wanted to put her in the position where she'd have to kill him. Spike didn't know what he exactly he would do though.  
  
It occurred to him that he told her watcher that he would not accept their current situation. He was waiting around with his thumb up his arse for answers from their books and the Council and that git Travers. But there was no reason for that. Spike knew that there were always ways to find the answers if you knew what questions to ask.  
  
He could leave tonight and he wouldn't come back until he knew how to solve this. Spike had been around long enough to know that the resources were there if you knew who to pay, who to ask, who to bribe, who to kill.  
  
He began packing his bag, something he hadn't bothered to do the last time he left. He put in a few shirts and pants, but mostly he filled it with money, jewels, various books, and documents. He was going to try to be prepared for any eventuality.  
  
He still had some contacts, demons and humans, who knew to stay on the good side of the Big Bad-even if said Big Bad had a chip in his head and was currently enjoying a stint as the Slayer's lap dog. He even had an idea of who to visit first.  
  
Spike finished packing than sat down to really plan his trip. He knew that the slayerettes didn't think he was a "plan man". They figured he was more of a fighter and Angelus was the big planner. They were partially right. Spike wasn't big on devising large and elaborate plans of destruction, but that didn't mean he couldn't. He knew how to be careful and conscientious, knew how to look at the details carefully.  
  
He took out his notebook and pen and quickly jotted out the things he wanted to know. Was it really the Slayer's destiny to take on Lilith's demon? Where did Spike fit in in all this? Why was it so important that he have a soul? It was obvious to him that he was not meant to die at her hands, that he needed to stay alive for something. Something that scared the piss ant Travers and his gang of wankers. But what?  
  
He also needed to find out what type of magic would allow him to get his soul back. He knew he'd have to ask about that carefully, it wouldn't do to broadcast his new souled status. But he figured there were a few demons that he could talk to.  
  
He quickly wrote down various names and the places he had last seen them. Brazil, London, New York, Mexico, someone right here in California. He would go there first though he doubted that the demon will be able to help him much.  
  
He knew that Buffy would be extremely pissed at him for leaving. She wouldn't like it one bit, and she wouldn't care what his reasons were. Even if he sat her down and explained them carefully and thoroughly. But that wasn't an option. He'd have to settle for talking to whoever came by-he hoped it would be the witch-and leaving her a letter.  
  
Just as the thought occurred to him he heard someone bang into his crypt. "As long as it's not Harris," Spike muttered.  
  
"Spike?" He heard Willow call, "You here?"  
  
"I'm here Red. Why don't you come downstairs?"  
  
She noticed his bag sitting on the floor as soon as she came down. "You leaving?"  
  
"Yeah, I am."  
  
"Why? Is it because of what happened last night? Buffy knew you'd be upset."  
  
"She told you?"  
  
"Well, not all the details, but there are bites all over her neck and face and." Willow stopped talking when she saw the stricken look on Spike's face.  
  
"Is she ok?"  
  
"Yeah, she said she was fine. She's acting like she's fine. She wanted me to check on you."  
  
"I'm fine Red. It's partially about last night. I don't want to risk hurting her again. Mostly I don't want to put her in the position she'd have to stake me. But I'm also going to look for some information."  
  
Willow sighed and sat down. "We're not big on the info right now. We only have so many resources."  
  
"I'm sure you'll find something soon. But I can't just sit here and be useless. There are a lot of old and wise and learned demons, and humans, in this world. I knew a few of them myself."  
  
"You're not going anywhere dangerous, are you?"  
  
Spike shook his head. "No more than usual. Don't worry, I'll be able to defend myself now anyway."  
  
"Do you know Buffy can smell everything?"  
  
Spike frowned, "What?"  
  
"She can smell everything. She says that she wishes you were there to help her deal with it. She says it's like seeing a whole new world."  
  
"Is she doing anything else, uh, vampire like?"  
  
"She can see in the dark pretty good, and we can't even whisper around her anymore. I mean, she's always had sensitive ears, but now she says she can even hear our pulses," Willow explained.  
  
"So basically she's got all the advantages of being human and of being a vampire."  
  
Willow nodded.  
  
"Thanks Red. Can you stop by later tonight? I want to write her a letter. I'd drop it by myself, but."  
  
"No problem, I'll be here after sundown."  
  
"Thanks. Oh, and don't tell her I'm leaving. I'll explain everything to her."  
  
"Ok."  
  
"See ya, ducks."  
  
Willow's new information about Buffy's new and improved senses only strengthened his resolve to go. She needed to keep this power and if he couldn't figure out a way to fight it, then he'd make damned sure that she could use her strength without fear.  
  
Buffy, I have to go now. Don't be mad. I'm coming back. But I can't just sit here in this crypt waiting for the Scoobies to find something. There are a few places I can go, books I can find, to help. But no matter what, I will be back. I AM sorry about last night. I could have drained you. I wanted to drain you. I can't trust myself to even be in the same town as you right now. The chances are too great that I'll run into you and do something I'll really regret. Something we both will. Take care of yourself. I'll write you to let you know where I'm at and what I found. Love always William. 


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7  
  
"What do you mean he's gone?" Buffy demanded.  
  
Willow took a small step back from her best friend's hard stare. Her eyes were a rainbow of colors and her fists clenched at her side in anger. Willow did not want to be on the receiving end of that anger. "He left a note," she said, offering the letter.  
  
Buffy snatched it from her and quickly read it, her features relaxing slightly. "He says he'll be back."  
  
Willow nodded eagerly. "That's what he told me."  
  
Buffy narrowed her eyes. "I thought you said he was already gone when you got there."  
  
Willow blanched. Ok, this was not of the good. "Well, he told me this morning."  
  
"You knew this morning?" Buffy exploded, "And you didn't tell me?"  
  
"He told me not to," Willow's voice was small. Earlier that day it made perfect sense to do what the nice, chipless vampire had asked. After all, Willow couldn't think of a reason to instigate his anger, or even annoyance. Of course, being forced to choose between the vampire and the super-slayer, Willow had to admit that Spike seemed a lot less menacing.  
  
Buffy glared at her friend for a few more seconds than stomped upstairs to her bedroom. She felt bad for yelling at Willow. It wasn't Willow's fault. But she was angry and Willow was there. Convenient.  
  
Like Spike.  
  
"Oh.Oh God." Buffy whispered. Is that what she did to her friends? Use them to take out her frustrations on because they were convenient? Wasn't she better than that? Shouldn't she be better than that?  
  
Suddenly it hit her, every harsh word and bitter thought and stony glare. Every time she mocked Spike's love, and ignored Willow's pain, and angered Dawn with her indifference, and took Xander for granted. Every time she had disappointed Giles. It seemed like all of these memories were pushing down upon her and then ripping her apart.  
  
She sunk onto the bed and forced herself to concentrate, reaching for Spike. She just wanted to take her mind off of this pain. She felt so horrible. It occurred to her briefly to be thankful that this guilt was not manifesting itself as physical wounds like Spike's had.  
  
Finally, she found him. He was driving, but he was calm. He lacked all the nervous energy that she associated with him. She let his stillness wash over here and soon her battered emotions were allowed to rest. Just as quickly as the guilt had arrived it was gone and she felt normal again.  
  
Overwhelmed by what had just happened she lay back on the bed and closed her eyes. She hadn't felt anything that intense in years. Sure the "old" Buffy, the pre-dead Buffy, was back. But even before she died she had kept a tight reign on her emotions, she had kept her feelings in a box. She wasn't equipped to deal with all of her feelings of content and inadequacy all at once like that.  
  
After several minutes of calming exercises she roused herself and went after Willow. She found the ex-witch in the kitchen, fixing herself a sandwich for dinner. "Willow," she said softly, "I'm really sorry for yelling at you like that."  
  
"Oh, it's ok."  
  
Buffy held up a hand to stop her. "No, it wasn't. You didn't do anything to deserve that. Thank you for bringing me the letter."  
  
Willow walked over and hugged her friend around the neck. "I know you're going through a lot right now. It's ok to be a bit snappy."  
  
"Thanks Will. So, more research tonight?"  
  
"Just me and Anya. We're actually investigating spells."  
  
"I thought you said a spell wouldn't work."  
  
Willow shook her head, "It won't. We're investigating the properties of spells. What makes magic magic so to speak. We're hoping that if we find out enough we might be able to neutralize the curse by non-magical means."  
  
"Sounds like you have your work cut for you."  
  
She smiled, "It actually sounds like fun. Plus Anya knows a lot more about magic than we ever gave her credit for. You patrolling tonight?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm doing some sweeps. It's not fun to do it alone though."  
  
"Oh, I can come with you," Willow quickly offered.  
  
Buffy smiled, "No, you need to be research girl right now. I'll be fine."  
  
The first thing Buffy did when she left for patrol was head straight to Spike's place. It was the same thing she had done every night while he was away last summer. 'Stupid Spike,' she thought as she walked through the door, 'This is all your fault. Dumb vampires.'  
  
Her mind drifted back through their relationship, starting with the words "I kill you" and ending with "Love always William." What was the turning point that sent the whole thing over the edge? When did it spin so completely out of control, setting the wheels in motion towards her becoming a super slayer? Was it before she was even born, when he was turned? After that when he killed his first Slayer? His second?  
  
Buffy was typically one for deep thoughts, but this particular notion latched on and refused to let go. If he had never killed the second Slayer in New York-Niki, Buffy had later learned her name was-would she be standing there? Probably not. The Slayer would have killed Spike, lived another day, and maybe that day would have just been enough to keep Buffy from being called.  
  
Spike had told her that he bested the slayers because they wanted it. They were just a little bit in love with death. Maybe fate had more of a hand in it than Spike would have liked to admit.  
  
Thinking like this made her head ache slightly.  
  
She walked into the crypt. His presence assaulted her senses. She noticed a black bundle on top of the TV and, curious, she went to pick it up. It was one of his T-shirts, and a note sat underneath it.  
  
Slayer, Red told me that you smell everything. Spike.  
  
Buffy smiled. He had left a shirt to comfort her. She held it up to her nose and breathed in deeply. She would sleep in it until he could come back to her.  
  
Suddenly, Buffy collapsed to the floor, her muscles quivering, her heart racing, sweat pouring down her body. Intense orgasms shot through her body, but she was too breathless to scream.  
  
'How can smelling a shirt do this to me?' Buffy though wildly as another one shook her body. Then it hit her. Faces and feelings. Angel, Parker, Riley, Spike. Her lovers. Hugging her mother. Eating Willow's cookies. Training with Giles. Dancing at the Bronze. Every positive, wonderful moment that she ever had rushed through her body, drowning her in warmth and pleasure and love.  
  
Finally it was over, and she curled into a fetal position, hugging her knees to her chest, too tired and boneless to even think, much less move. Enough blood rushed back to her brain for her to wonder idly before she fell asleep, "What the hell is going on?"  
  
***  
  
Spike felt Buffy's pleasure so intensely that he nearly crashed his car. He was forced to pull over onto the shoulder of the highway, grasping the steering wheel until his knuckles were white, gasping for unneeded breath.  
  
"What..the fuck.was that..all about?" Spike gasped when it was finally done. "Jesus Christ, what in bloody hell was that girl doing?"  
  
He felt her fall asleep and he wanted to fall asleep too. He was exhausted, like they had just gone a dozen rounds with each other-fighting and fucking both. He knew she wasn't sleeping with anybody else, and there was no way she could have that many orgasms by herself. He knew that from experience.  
  
He also knew that it would be the death of him if it hit him like that again while he was driving.  
  
When he was sure she was going to stay asleep, he carefully pulled back onto the road. He had also experienced her pain and grief earlier that day. Fortunately that wasn't nearly intense as the latter experience. It hadn't lasted nearly as long. Spike figured that meant that she had more love than pain in her life.  
  
He hoped that's what it meant. 


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8  
  
Buffy waited until after dawn before she stumbled home. She honestly didn't think that she would be capable of slaying. She still felt boneless and tired, languid. She just wanted to go home and rest.  
  
Nobody met her at the door, everybody was still in bed or at their own homes. She stumbled upstairs and collapsed, dead to the world by the time she hit her bed.  
  
***  
  
Buffy woke with a start later that afternoon. She could hear people moving around the house, hushed voices downstairs. She reached over for Spike before she remembered that he was gone. Gone from her bed, gone from her town, maybe even gone from her life.  
  
Suddenly she was angry. Not just angry, but absolutely furious, enraged at the injustice of it all. And whose fault was it? Who kept her Spike away from her? Quentin Travers.  
  
Buffy was seeing red, but still managed to change her clothes. She ran downstairs, and noticed everybody in the living room.  
  
"Is Travers still at your place?" She asked Giles, her tone not revealing her anger. But her body language did.  
  
"Y-yes," Giles answered hesitantly.  
  
"Good."  
  
Then she was gone and the group were left to stare at each other.  
  
"Does anybody else thing Travers won't live to see another sunset?" Xander asked in a quiet voice.  
  
"Dear Lord, maybe if we drive we can beat her there."  
  
But they had underestimated the furious Slayer's speed. She reached Giles' apartment if half the time it normally took and didn't even use the key to unlock the door. She kicked it open and without pausing marched to the couch, picked Travers up by his throat, and slammed him against the wall.  
  
"Ms. Summers," he gasped nervously, "what's wrong."  
  
She tightened her hold temporarily then dropped him on the floor. "You know damned well what's wrong you piece of shit." Her voice was calm, but ice dripped from her words.  
  
"I'm sick and fucking tired of your bloody games, Travers." She grabbed the hair on top of his head, and slammed it against the wall. "Very sick of them. I'm going to ask you questions and you're going to answer them."  
  
She let go of his hair and stood above him with her arms crossed, "Or you may find that I've changed my "no killing humans" code."  
  
Quentin Travers decided, wisely, not to call her bluff. He licked his lips nervously, "Whatever you want to know Ms. Summers."  
  
She grabbed his shoulders and threw him across the room to the couch. She was barely keeping her rage in check. Her fists itched to pound him into a bloody pulp, pound him until that smug smirk was erased from his face for good. But she still held some control over herself, even with the waves of anger that crashed around her head. Even with the red spots dancing in front of her eyes.  
  
"Why is he so important."  
  
"Spike?"  
  
Buffy nodded slightly.  
  
Well, the time had finally arrived to tell them the truth. Quentin knew that there was no reason to keep it concealed and he could tell that if he upset her anymore she would lose whatever thin thread of control she had left.  
  
"You aren't so special."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Many, many slayers take vampire lovers. We do our absolute best to discourage this practice however."  
  
Buffy's eyes widened and she silently waited for him to continue.  
  
"We discourage it because, inevitably, they die for their love. But more important than that, we fear what might happen if things go to far."  
  
"Die for their love?"  
  
"Ms. Summers, the other slayers didn't have their lovers on leashes, thanks to souls and chips. Those vampires would try to stop feeding, but they would snap. When that happened the slayer would have to make the choice between duty and love. There would be a fight, and half the time, the slayer would die. The other half the slayer would be too devastated to continue and would give up shortly thereafter.  
  
"It was too much a risk to encourage this type of behavior."  
  
"And what might happen if things go too far?"  
  
"This."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"We feared that a slayer and who vampire lover would force Lilith's return. We feared what would happen."  
  
Buffy's control snapped. She wanted to bash his head in for everything he had put her through. Wanted to kill him for making her feel guilty over Angel, making her push Spike away for so long. She couldn't stay in the same room and wait for the rest of his explanations. The explanations that were too late anyway.  
  
With a primal scream of hatred and pain she fled from the house, running down the street like a wild beast was hot on her heals, pounding down the pavement. She finally collapsed near a street lamp, leaning against it, sobs wracking her body. Nearly hysterical, she cried for Angel, and Spike, and all her sisters before her who had lost somebody precious to them. She cried for the injustice of it all. She cried because she wanted to be normal. She cried because there was a purple demon lurking inside of her and she could feel it striving to own her, possess her.  
  
She cried because she couldn't trust anybody. She cried because her lover was gone. She cried because Angel had to die. She cried because Tara was dead. She cried for every bit of pain ever inflicted on her. She cried until there were no tears left in her eyes and no air left in her lungs.  
  
That's how her friends found her, staring blankly with glassy eyes, into a past full of lies and future bereft of hope.  
  
****  
  
Spike was forced to pull the car over again, this time because large red tears were blurring his vision. His Buffy was in so much pain. More pain that he had even thought possible for a girl to be in and survive.  
  
He clutched his head and howled, closing his eyes against the red staining his hands and his clothes. What was happening to his strong Slayer?  
  
He fought every urge to turn the car around and go back to her. He wouldn't do her any good there, and he almost reached his destination anyway. He was too far to turn back now. Answers were minutes away if he could ever start driving again.  
  
Finally the pain subsided and he felt..nothing. Nothing from her at all. She wasn't asleep, she was just empty. This scared him more than blood tears could ever and was gripped in fear and uncertainty. He wanted to go to her so badly, wanted to make her feel something. He couldn't even imagine the dull, horrid life that would await all of them is Buffy lost the ability to feel again. He had been down that road and he never wanted to go there again.  
  
As soon as he could see clearly he started forward. Within 30 minutes, he was standing in the shade of late afternoon outside a small, tidy, discreet house. He knocked on the door and waited patiently.  
  
Finally an old woman opened the door and dazzled Spike with her bright and welcoming smile.  
  
"William!" She exclaimed happily, "So fortunate to see you again. Where have you been?"  
  
Spike smiled shyly at the woman. She always at the affect on him. "I've been around mum."  
  
"Come in, come in my dear child. I imagine you are here about your Buffy."  
  
Spike was startled. "How do you know?"  
  
"William, dear, there isn't much I don't know."  
  
Spike took a minute to smirk at the thought of old woman calling him dear and child. Spike, a Master Vampire, meekly allowing himself to be led into a large, old-fashioned parlor. Spike, the Big Bad, gratefully accepting a cup of tea, in a fragile saucer. Spike, the Slayer's lap dog, looking desperately for something to save them.  
  
"Can you tell me what's wrong with her, mum?"  
  
The old seer smiled comfortably at him, "Do you feel her pain, William?"  
  
He nodded, miserably. "I can't feel anything from her now."  
  
"She needs your help."  
  
"How? I'll do anything."  
  
"She was never supposed to take all of Lilith. She needed you to take half of the demon from her. She can't hold it."  
  
"What'll happen?"  
  
"Can you feel her?"  
  
Spike's voice was barely above a whisper, "No."  
  
"The demon isn't taking over her soul, it's still as strong as ever, she won't lose it. However, the demon and her soul are canceling each other out."  
  
"Is that why she's felt everything so violently the past 12 hours?"  
  
"Yes, her soul is struggling to hold on, but it's losing. Soon she will be automaton, only good for fighting, and only because her Slayer spirit is not being affected by what is going on inside of her."  
  
"What can I do to fix this?"  
  
"You need to take the demon away."  
  
"How?"  
  
"It's always about the blood William. You need to drink her almost to the point of bleeding her."  
  
"But I can't do that without a soul of my own, can I mum?"  
  
"No."  
  
"How do I get it back?"  
  
The old woman smiled sadly, "I don't know William. I don't know."  
  
Spike stared at her, unable to move or speak. Finally pulling himself together, he excused himself, and went out to his car. There was nothing left for her to tell him. 


	9. Chapter 9

A/N-The last uh, ½ of this chapter might be considered NC-17. I just want to thank everybody for your amazing feedback. You guys are the greatest.  
  
Chapter 9  
  
"What's happening to me?" Buffy asked Giles quietly. She was sitting on his couch, staring blankly at him. He was sitting beside her, holding one of her hands, watching her intently.  
  
"Can you tell me what's going on?"  
  
"Yesterday before I went to patrol, I yelled at Willow. I felt bad about it, and then it seemed like I felt bad about every harsh word I've ever said to anybody. And after last year, I had a lot to feel sorry for. It almost overwhelmed me, but then it was over as soon as it happened.  
  
"Then that night I stopped at Spike's crypt. Then, just like earlier that day, all these feelings completely overwhelmed me."  
  
"Sad ones?" Giles asked, concerned.  
  
Buffy shook her head, "No. Love, pleasure, happiness. I relived every happy moment of my life. Well, that's what it felt like anyway. When it finally stopped, all I could do was lay there, unable to move or think.  
  
"Then today when you found me, I was almost insane with anger. I don't even think anger is an appropriate word. The feelings were so intense. I swear I almost killed Quentin."  
  
Giles didn't blame her, but he could tell that she was extremely serious about her desire to murder the man.  
  
"What do you feel now?"  
  
"Nothing," she said simply.  
  
"I feel completely lost here, Buffy," Giles admitted. "I don't know what's going on, what more you can expect. And I don't think Travers knows what's going on either. I think he has spent so much time covering up the truth that he can't even find it himself."  
  
"Spike is looking."  
  
"You think he'll find something?"  
  
Buffy nodded. "You know how he is Giles. I mean, he found the Gem of Amara, you know, the gem that nobody believed existed? If someone knows the truth, if someone knows what's going on, he'll find it."  
  
"Sometimes I think we under-estimate him," Giles said. "I was thinking about him the other day while I was researching a few demons, and it occurred to me that we've never ran across a demon he didn't recognize."  
  
Buffy shrugged, "It was probably his job as the Big Bad to know all the other nasties around."  
  
"He knows all their languages as well."  
  
"What's your point, Giles?"  
  
"My point is, is that he's more than muscle. He's smart, Buffy."  
  
"You regret not utilizing his brains before now?"  
  
"A little. I am relieved he's helping us. You're right. If someone knows what's going on, Spike will find him. Or it. Do you want me to take you home?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess. Giles? Can you take everybody out somewhere tonight? I just need some alone time. The house has been so full of noise lately."  
  
Giles smiled, "Yeah, I'll get them out of your hair for a couple of hours."  
  
"How has Willow been? Since she did the magic?"  
  
"She's good. She won't lose control again," Giles promised, "She has discipline now."  
  
"I'm kinda worried about her. Especially since she has thrown herself into research, practically moving back into my house. I'm really glad she's there, and I'm thankful for her help, but I can't help but being.."  
  
"Concerned?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Giles offered Buffy her coat. "Come on, let's get you home."  
  
***  
  
Spike carefully laid his duster on the ground, over his shoes and his pile of the clothing. He took a blanket and laid it on the ground next to the roaring fire. He took the small bag of roots and incense out of his coat pocket and threw a handful into the fire and dusted the rest around his blanket.  
  
He felt like a ball of nerves. He hated using magic. He didn't trust magic, and he knew that magic always had a price. But the old woman known to him simply as "mum" told him the best way to find these answers was to do a summoning.  
  
"A summoning of what, mum?"  
  
"Here, you'll need these. This slip of paper has the instructions on it. Don't lose it. Go out, to the desert. Do it tonight."  
  
"Will I find the answers?"  
  
"Maybe, William, maybe."  
  
Spike was not looking forward to this. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he knew exactly who or what he was inviting into this dimension. But all he had was the vague assurances of an old woman and the driving force in his gut to save Buffy. That would have to be enough.  
  
Taking a deep breath to steady his nerves, he sat on the blanket cross-legged. His white body shimmered and reflected the light and heat from the fire. His front was illuminated with golden light, his back was silver in the moonlight. He sat half in the world of light, half in dark, naked, as vulnerable and open as a man could be.  
  
Before chanting the magical words could be intoned, he concentrated on finding Buffy. She was asleep. He wondered briefly why she wasn't patrolling, but then dismissed it when he realized it was time to start.  
  
Spike began chanting the words in monotone, relaxing his body, and forcing his mind to open. The words became a mantra and he lost himself in the steady rhythm of his own deep voice.  
  
"WHAT DO YOU WANT DEMON?"  
  
A voice boomed into the empty night, jerking Spike's open. Hovering above the fire, dimming the light of the roaring flames, was a large, pulsating ball of white energy. There was no form, and Spike couldn't tell if the voice was masculine or feminine. It didn't matter.  
  
Never one to beat around the bush, Spike jumped right to the point. "What's wrong with the Slayer?"  
  
"SHE'S MEETING HER DESTINY."  
  
"Her destiny? But she died."  
  
"SHE WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO RETURN DEMON. IT WAS PART OF HER JOURNEY."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"SHE WOULDN'T BE STRONG ENOUGH OTHERWISE."  
  
Spike was beginning to feel real fear. The Powers that Be never, ever volunteered Information freely, yet here was this being, telling a worthless demon about the Slayer's destiny.  
  
"Does she need me?"  
  
"YES."  
  
"What is it? What is this thing inside of her?"  
  
"LILITH WAS NOT THE FIRST VAMPIRE. LILITH WAS THE FIRST EVERYTHING. FIRST DEMON. FIRST HUMAN. FIRST MURDERER. FIRST VICTIM. FIRST SOUL."  
  
"I don't understand. Is she a Goddess?"  
  
"YES."  
  
"And now she's in Buffy? Is Buffy now a deity?"  
  
"SHE IS A GODDESS OF LIGHT. THIS IS HER DESTINY."  
  
"What about me?"  
  
"YOU MUST FIND YOUR WAY TO HER."  
  
"What? How?"  
  
But it was over. Spike could still see the hovering light in the air as it slowly dissipated, but he knew that he would receive no more answers. If Lilith was a goddess, why did he need to take part of her? How could even begin to be worthy of that? He was an unclean thing.  
  
Spike passed out onto the blanket, completely oblivious to the world around him, the dying fire, or the howling coyotes. He lay sprawled, unmoving, looking very much like the corpse he was.  
  
***  
  
Buffy sat straight up in bed, breathing hard, terrified. She looked around her room, straining her eyes into the shadows, for signs of dangers. She listened intently for sounds of trouble, but all she heard was the steady breathing and heartbeat of her sister and friends.  
  
She glanced at the clock. Only one hour left until dawn. She reached for Spike and felt him sleeping. No, he wasn't sleeping. He was unconscious. An hour before dawn.  
  
Buffy felt an almost helpless terror at the thought. What if he was outside? What if he didn't wake up in time? What if he died in some god- forsaken back ally, drunk off his ass, or beat almost to death?  
  
She had to think of a way to wake him up. She knew she could feel everything he did from sleeping to eating, laughing to growling, pleasure and pain. She clutched the sheet, that's it. That's how she would wake him up. She knew from notes that he wrote that he could feel her pleasuring herself.  
  
She made sure her bedroom was locked, opened the window so the clean night breeze could cool her flushed skin, then stripped off her nightgown. She pulled her hair back into a pony tail, then stretched out on top of her blankets.  
  
She knew she had to hurry, each minute brought Spike closer to a fiery death, but she also knew that this had to be good enough to wake him up. It had to be earth shattering.  
  
Buffy started by rubbing the bite marks on her neck. They were still extremely sensitive, and she closed her eyes, pretending her gentle fingers belonged to Spike. Rubbing the marks sent shivers across her body and jolts of pleasure to her groin. Her fingers moved lower, brushing across her nipples until they were hard. She licked one finger and rubbed the tip of her nipple softly, making her moan.  
  
She gave each nipple a good pinch. With one hand she continued to caress her nipples, with the other she moved lower, across her abdomen. It felt good, but it felt better when she closed her eyes and focused on Spike. She wanted him so bad that her longing intensified, yet distracted from, her pleasure.  
  
One small finger slid between her lips into her already wet pussy. She touched her clitoris gently, and her toes curled in response. Her body was so hungry for her touch that it seemed like years since her last orgasm, even though just the night before several had incapacitated her. She rubbed herself faster and faster, her hips jerking against her hand unconsciously.  
  
Just when she felt her orgasm building, she stopped and slid two wet fingers all the way inside of her, pumping furiously. She gasped then put pressure on her G-spot, rubbing it hard and fast. Again she felt just mere seconds from orgasm when she stopped.  
  
She slid her finger back up to her clit, and within minutes amazing spasms wracked her body, her clit pulsating, her muscles quivering. She forced herself not to call Spike's name, because in her mind he was touching her. He was taking care of her.  
  
She pulled the blanket over herself, wanting to stay awake to make sure that Spike wakes up, but she just couldn't keep her eyes open. Soon she was drifting into a sweet dream involving Spike and chocolate syrup.  
  
***  
  
Spike felt himself being pulled from his deep sleep by lightning bolts of pleasure throughout his body. His cock throbbed in response, and his balls tightened and ached. He began rubbing himself as he slowly came awake, but stopped when he sensed out close dawn was.  
  
He could practically smell the sun, and his eyes shot open. He was still lying naked in the desert, the fire just low embers, his clothes undisturbed next to him. The sky was turning purple with the first fingers of the sun. He quickly grabbed his clothes and sprinted to his Desoto.  
  
He dove into the backseat and closed the door, relief washing over him. He barely missed the sun. Just a few more minutes and he would have been one crispy vampire. What had woke him up?  
  
Buffy. Did she know he was in danger? He smiled at the thought. That was a great way to wake him up whether he was in danger or not. She could do that any time she wanted. 


	10. Chapter 10

A/N-I am very, very sorry that this took so long to post, and that it's so short. It's been difficult to write because the heat has been making me sick. It's hard for me to concentrate with a headache and everything. But I will keep on plugging away, even if I have to do all my writing at 1:00 in the morning.  
  
Chapter 10  
  
Spike stepped into the circle with trepidation. This was a holy place, he knew, and he was not worthy enough to be there.  
  
It had been a month since his vision in the desert. He had called Buffy as often as he could, and gave her updates on his whereabouts, but he didn't tell her what his vision had revealed. He wouldn't do that until he had more information.  
  
It felt like he had talked to every seer, every witch, every mystically inclined demon, in the western United States. He was loath to travel any further away from Buffy then he absolutely had to. He wouldn't travel east until he had exhausted all of his resources.  
  
And it seemed he was almost at that point. He had one good lead left. A Holy Man in the Arizona desert. He had been told by several demons and humans that this holy man was extremely wise and knew many things about the past and the future. Spike didn't feel like had much of a choice, even though if the he was truly a wise Holy Man he would not even acknowledge the vampire's existence.  
  
"Enter vampire," a deep voice commanded. "What is it you seek?"  
  
Spike took a deep unneeded breath, "I have questions about the Chosen One."  
  
It occurred to Spike briefly that even if he wanted to bite this man, he would be unable to. Powerful magics swirled around him, protecting him from all, even old age. Spike could smell the age of the man sitting before him, but to the eye he seemed to be no older than 20. Spike understood that appearance could be deceiving. This man may be human, but he easily walked the between the worlds.  
  
They sat in a stone circle, a small fire between them. Above them the sky was still a deep, dark blue, only a few stars twinkling. The moon had yet to rise. Spike was in his element, but he felt oddly out of place.  
  
"She has returned."  
  
"Yes, over a year ago."  
  
The man nodded. "She is ready."  
  
"Ready for what? The light..it told me she was to become a Goddess. It was her destiny."  
  
"Of course."  
  
"So she had to die."  
  
"Of course."  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
"Were you a Christian before you died?"  
  
Startled by the question, Spike could only answer in the affirmative.  
  
"And you were a scholar?"  
  
Spike nodded.  
  
"So you know the stories of resurrection and rebirth? You know that almost every single world religion has the story of a death, murder or sacrifice, and the subsequent return."  
  
"Yes, I know the stories." The mythology of death and resurrection was always particularly fascinating to the vampire, for obvious reasons. "Osiris, Dionysus, Christ, Freyr. Hercules."  
  
"Death is necessary to change the body, make it ready to become the vessel of light." The man's eyes flicked to the vampire, "or dark. You understand this too."  
  
Spike nodded, feeling like a fool. Buffy didn't come back wrong, she came back better. She came back purer.  
  
"The Earth dies every year to prepare itself for Spring. Your Slayer died to prepare for the light she will receive. You died a second death."  
  
Spike frowned but didn't push.  
  
"You sacrificed yourself to gain a soul, and then you lost it again. You will find it. It is not lost to you forever."  
  
"Can you tell me how?"  
  
"Go to her now. You will find an answer."  
  
Spike roared in anger and frustration, "Why does everybody keep saying that? Do you think if I knew how to get it back I'd be here?"  
  
The Holy Man blinked. "You have the answers you seek."  
  
"No! I do not! I don't understand anything! Bloody hell! You're telling me that my Slayer had to die.why did she go to heaven? Why did she get expelled from Heaven? Was that part of the master plan?"  
  
"It was required. You claim to be Christian once, you must know that even Jesus had to experience Hell as well as heaven."  
  
"She kept saying she was in Hell..this world, her life, is hell?"  
  
The man nodded solemnly. "It was part of the cycle."  
  
Spike slammed his fist to the ground, "Sod your bloody cycle! Do you know what that girl has been through? She doesn't deserve this! Her life has been hell for the past seven years."  
  
"Vampire, I know you feel strongly about this. Think of it as the year. She had her Spring, as a child. In the Summer, she was the Slayer. In the Fall, she died. And her Winter, when things seemed darkest, coldest, and the most lonely, was her return. She could not reach her ultimate destiny if she didn't survive that."  
  
Spike was shaking. His words made sense on one level, but that hardly stopped his rage. Buffy had been put through a horrible, terrible ordeal on a path towards a goal she didn't even want.  
  
"But she just wants to be a normal girl, a sister, a friend. She doesn't want to be a Goddess!" Spike protested.  
  
"It's gone too far now. She doesn't have a choice."  
  
"She bloody well does! She's not a pawn to fate or destiny, she's her own woman."  
  
The Holy Man shrugged, "I cannot fight this battle with you Vampire. It's not up to me."  
  
Spike forced himself to calm down. "Why does she need me? Where do I fit in?"  
  
"You compliment her. There cannot be light without dark. There cannot be good without evil. There is a balance. You are her balance. She will not survive without the balance."  
  
He had heard this spiel before. It seemed to be the only thing anybody could tell him about the situation. Of the dozens of conversations he had over the past month, all of them ended with the same warning. "You must find her. She needs you. There's a balance."  
  
Spike was more than happy to be her balance, the dark to her light, the evil to her good. He would be more than happy to lay down his life for her. He would be more than happy to take on half of this Lilith thing. He would dance the Mexican Hat Dance for her if she wanted him to, or needed him to. His willingness was not in question. The only problem was, he didn't know what to do. Nobody knew what to do.  
  
He stood up and looked at the man then at the desert around him, feeling confused and helpless. As he stood there, the full moon rose behind him, large and luminous, seeming to eat the entire sky.  
  
The Holy Man gasped as the vampire stood as a dark outline against the silver light. In the light of the rising moon, Spike looked more than powerful. He looked ancient, and yet young. His body was that of a predator, but his eyes and face was innocent. He began to move out of the circle, and he walked with a casual grace. For a moment the dark vampire stood illuminated looked every bit the creature of light and power he was destined to become, and the Holy Man felt a tremor of fear shoot through his body. 


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11  
  
"When are you coming home?" Buffy demanded as soon as she heard his voice on the other end of the line.  
  
He laughed, "Well, I miss you too pet."  
  
"I'm serious, when will you be here?"  
  
"Soon. What's wrong?" His voice was suddenly serious.  
  
"Lots. You can feel it."  
  
"I can feel something," Spike conceded. "But I don't know what's going on."  
  
"Everything I feel is so intense. At first it just happened once every other day or so. But now it seems like it happens all the time. I'm scared."  
  
"Of what?"  
  
"That Dawn will do something to annoy me, and instead of ignoring her, I'll fly into a homicidal rage and slay her."  
  
Spike could tell that Buffy was not joking. He was also a bit afraid for himself. He didn't want to be on the receiving end of her rage, which is exactly what would happen when she found out what he had discovered on his long journey.  
  
"I'll be there in two days," Spike promised, "If not sooner."  
  
"I miss you so much Spike," her voice was barely above a whisper, and Spike could hear the tears in her throat.  
  
"I miss you too, love."  
  
"I..I have to go."  
  
"Can you put the watcher on?"  
  
"Yeah, wait a minute." Spike heard her set the phone down on the counter than yell for Giles. He heard murmured voices than Giles picked up the phone. "Yes?"  
  
"Hey, Rupes. Do me a favor."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Research mythology about resurrection and mortals becoming Gods."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Just do it. I'll be there in a few days and I'll tell you guys everything. How's Willow's research on the soul going?"  
  
"She's been working on it almost non-stop. She hinted to me that she might have an answer, but she doesn't know for sure."  
  
"Tell her it's urgent."  
  
"She knows it is."  
  
"No," Spike said strongly, "she has no idea. This is a matter of life or death. Buffy's."  
  
"I-I understand. I'll tell her right away."  
  
"Thanks Rupes. See ya' in a few." Then Spike cut off the connection.  
  
"Was that Spike?" Willow asked, coming into the kitchen.  
  
Giles set the phone down. "Yes, he said he will be here in a few days. He also said.."  
  
"He also said what?"  
  
"He also said that you need to figure out how to give him soul back. It's a matter of life and death."  
  
"Giles, I think I know how to do it."  
  
Giles paused. "What?"  
  
"I think I know how to do it," she repeated slowly.  
  
"How?"  
  
"It involves Dawn."  
  
***  
  
Xander watched Anya intently as she scribbled notes from the book she was reading. He knew that this was the third time she's been through the book. They were looking so intently for away to get Spike back with Buffy. What annoyed him the most is that he was helping them.  
  
"Why are you staring at me Xander?"  
  
"I just like to watch you."  
  
"Well, don't. You have work to do."  
  
"What if I don't want to help Deadboy Jr?"  
  
"This isn't about him Xander," Anya sighed, "Buffy needs him."  
  
"Anya, I miss you," Xander said suddenly. She opened her mouth to speak, but he held his hand up to stop her. He didn't want to be interrupted because he was afraid he'd lose his nerve. "Can we please, please at least talk about it?"  
  
"Not right now Xander."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Xander, I miss you too. But we both made mistakes and I don't know if they can be fixed right now. You tried to kill Spike."  
  
"You slept with him!"  
  
"Xander, I slept with him because I was sad, I was lonely, I was drunk, and I just needed a little bit of attention, some comfort. He was going through the same thing."  
  
"I understand that, Anya, I do. I want to start over again."  
  
"No, Xander, we can't."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Spike."  
  
"You're not in love with him too, are you?" Xander asked, shocked.  
  
"No, no, it's nothing like that. But you hate him because he is a demon, he is evil, he's killed thousands of people. We can't be together because I'm a demon."  
  
"But you're different," Xander protested weakly.  
  
"Xander, compared to me, Spike was a furry, little kitten. You need to reconcile our pasts with who we are now. Until you can do that, we don't have a chance."  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
Anya put her book down and moved over to the couch beside Xander. She took his hand. "Xander, sometimes demons can be good and humans can be evil. You know this. Warren is a perfect example. You need to look at people and demons and judge them based on who they are, not what they are."  
  
Xander nodded. "Ok.."  
  
"Xander, I miss you too."She leaned him and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips. "I miss you a lot. But we have a job to do right now."  
  
***  
  
Buffy sat in her room and forced herself to bite back her tears. She would not cry. Just because she missed her lover more than anything. Just because she had some foreign demon living in her body. Just because she couldn't control her emotions most of the time. Just because she was so lonely she could scream. Those weren't reasons to cry.  
  
Buffy realized that it was the holiday season, and soon she would be taking Dawn out to shop for presents, and soon plans would be made for the dinners and the parties. Buffy used to love the holidays, even if she was getting attacked by dead Shumach Indians.  
  
Buffy smiled fondly at the memory. Well, not at getting attacked, but at the way Spike screamed like a girl when he saw the bear. Honestly, she would never understand him. He faced demons at least the size of the bear, if not bigger, but he couldn't handle being around a bear. Ok, so he was tied up at the time, but you'd think the Big Bad would keep his cool.  
  
Buffy grimaced at the thought of the last Christmas. She was not in the mood for holiday festivities, but everybody thought it would be a good idea to have a little party. Try to act normal. Tara even came over on Christmas Eve and exchanged gifts with everybody else, but didn't stay long. She was too uncomfortable around Willow.  
  
She didn't invite Spike over, and he didn't show. Well, he didn't knock on the door. She saw him though, standing outside and looking in. He looked sad, and longing, and Buffy was still furious at him and at herself. So she ignored him. She regretted that. She regretted everything about the previous year.  
  
Dawn knocked on the door softly, "Hey Buffy. Can I come in?"  
  
Buffy sniffled and wiped her eyes. "Yeah, come in. What's up?"  
  
"Was that Spike on the phone?"  
  
"Yeah, he says he's coming home."  
  
"So he's ok and everything?" Dawn asked, relieved. Half of her was convinced that Spike would never be back.  
  
"He says he's fine. That he has found some new for us."  
  
"Did he say what?"  
  
"No, Dawnie. I guess he wants to tell us in person. Hey, why the long face? This is a time of celebration. Why don't we go out? Have a girl's night out?"  
  
Dawn smiled, "Just you and me?"  
  
"Just you and me," Buffy confirmed.  
  
  
  
*** "No!" Giles spat, "I absolutely will not allow that."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"The magic would be too powerful for you to handle," Giles said plainly.  
  
"Then you and Anya can do the spell."  
  
"Dawn might get hurt."  
  
"She might," Willow conceded, "But that's not really our decision to make. It's Dawn's, and Buffy's, and Spike's."  
  
"Spike will never agree to that," Giles pointed out.  
  
"He might if it meant he could finally be with Buffy," Willow argued.  
  
"No, he wouldn't. I don't think he'd ever allow anything to hurt Dawn. Even if it is for his own good. Even if it was to save Buffy."  
  
Willow sighed. "But Giles, it really is the only way. We've all be through every book a million times."  
  
"Have you told anybody else about your plan?"  
  
Willow shook her head, "I wanted to run it by you first. I've been thinking about this for a long time. I wanted to make sure I had all the kinks worked out before I told anybody."  
  
Giles sighed. "Why don't we keep working on it. We won't tell anybody until it's absolutely necessary."  
  
"It would work Giles."  
  
"I know it will, but at what cost?"  
  
Willow didn't have an answer. 


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12  
  
Spike drove by Buffy's house slowly. Every fiber of his being was begging him to stop and see her. He even stopped the car and thought about backing up, maybe just to sit outside her window. But he knew he couldn't do that either, so he drove on to Giles' house.  
  
"Anybody here?" He called as he opened the door.  
  
"No," Quentin answered.  
  
Spike stopped short, "You're still here? Why are you still here?"  
  
"Rupert is holding me hostage until we figure out what's going on with Buffy."  
  
Spike sat down on the chair across from him. "You have absolutely no idea what's going on, do you?"  
  
"I've told you guys all I know."  
  
"And it wasn't very helpful. Why don't you tell them how to restore my soul?"  
  
"I told you, the spell can't be taken off."  
  
"What did you think Lilith's essence would do to her? And now is not the time for games. I haven't seen her in over a month, I'm hungry, I'm tired, and my patience is worn very thin."  
  
"I thought it would turn her into a super-slayer, so to speak."  
  
"Just that? A slayer with even more strength?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Still mortal?"  
  
"Of course," Quentin scoffed. "And when she dies, the next Slayer will inherit all of her power."  
  
"Where did you get this information?"  
  
"Our books."  
  
"Well, you've been trying to hide the truth for so long that you don't even know what it is anymore, Travers."  
  
"And I suppose you know what the truth is?"  
  
"Yeah, I do. Where's Giles?"  
  
"At the Slayer's house."  
  
Spike got up, grabbed the portable phone, and went into the spare bedroom to make his call. "Hey Niblet, where's Giles? Yeah, I need to talk to him...I'm at his place..I promise to tell you all about it...Ok, thanks Niblet..Hey Giles."  
  
"Where are you?"  
  
"Your house. Why don't you guys all come over?"  
  
"Buffy should hear this too."  
  
"Of course. I'll just keep her on the phone."  
  
"We'll be over in 15 minutes. I'll put Buffy on."  
  
"Spike?"  
  
"Hi love. How are you doing?"  
  
"Not good."  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"I went out with Dawn the other day after you called. We were at the mall and I freaked. I know I scared Dawn, well, I scared everybody. I also owe the food court money for destroying several of the tables."  
  
"Were you hurt, pet?"  
  
"No, nobody was."  
  
"What set you off?"  
  
"That's where we destroyed the Judge. I always feel a little bit angry when I walk through that area. Apparently the memory really set off my anger."  
  
Spike winced, "Sorry, love."  
  
"So anyway, not going to the mall until we figure out what's going on."  
  
"Buffy, I'm going to tell you what I found out before the group comes over. You deserve to know first. Unless you want to hear it with everybody else."  
  
"No, no, tell me."  
  
"Well, love, you're becoming a goddess."  
  
"What?" Buffy asked sharply. "Did I just hear you correctly?"  
  
"Depends. What did you hear?"  
  
"You said that I'm becoming a goddess."  
  
"Then yeah, you heard correctly."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Sl-Buffy, I really don't know."  
  
"Well, what do you know?"  
  
"That it's part of your destiny. That this is the reason you died and came back. Oh, they're here. I'll explain the rest to everybody."  
  
"Wait.wait, my destiny?!"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Buffy didn't say anything, just growled with frustration.  
  
Spike walked into the living room when he heard everybody come through the door. "Buffy's on the phone, so just sit down, and I'll tell you everything I know."  
  
Everybody sat down and looked at him expectantly. Dawn wasn't there, she had stayed home to keep Buffy company. Spike took a breath, and then launched into the story. He started by explaining his visit with the seer, and finished with what he learned from the Holy Man.  
  
When he was done, everybody stared at him, mouth open. Even Travers. Buffy was silent on her end of the line. Spike stared back, waiting for the inevitable questions that he didn't have answers for.  
  
"So," Willow finally asked, "If you need to take half of Lilith from Buffy, and Buffy is becoming a Goddess, does that mean you will be a God?"  
  
Spike paused. He had never thought of that, simply because it was far too preposterous and ridiculous.  
  
"I don't know," he said slowly. "All I know is that I have to do this to save her. And I can't until I get my soul back."  
  
"What powers will she have?" Anya asked.  
  
Spike shrugged, "I told you guys everything I know."  
  
"This is extraordinary," Giles breathed.  
  
"You can't trust him. He doesn't know what he's talking about," Travers protested.  
  
Spike glared at him, "Right now I have a lot more credibility than you do, wanker."  
  
"Extraordinary," Giles repeated.  
  
"Buffy? Are you still there?"  
  
"I'm here," she said. "I..I just can't believe this. Are you sure?"  
  
"As sure as I can be, pet."  
  
"Spike, we think we know how to get your soul back."  
  
Spike looked up, "How?" His tone was full of reserved hope.  
  
Willow looked at Giles nervously, "Uh, well, promise you won't interrupt until we tell you everything."  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Giles, do you want to explain?" Willow offered.  
  
"You go ahead, Willow."  
  
Willow took a deep breath and then explained as quickly as she could, gauging Spike's emotions. By the time she was done, his face was set.  
  
"Absolutely not," he said, just as Buffy yelled into the phone loud enough for everybody to hear, "No!"  
  
Willow picked up the other phone, "Put Dawn on the phone in the kitchen," she instructed Buffy.  
  
"What's up?" Dawn asked.  
  
"Dawn, I think you should hear this too. We have figure out a way for Spike to get his soul back. We need you."  
  
"Do I need to bleed?"  
  
"No! No, nothing like that. Magic is basically knowing how to use energy and the elements. One way to neutralize any spell is to counteract the effects with energy."  
  
"You want to use me to neutralize the spell?"  
  
"No," Spike interrupted, "It's too risky."  
  
Dawn ignored him. "How do you want to do it.  
  
"We'll perform a small spell on you to show your aura, then we will send the soul into you. It'll make your aura glow another color, probably green. Once the aura returns to its natural color, we remove the soul and give it to Spike."  
  
"That sounds dangerous," Buffy said.  
  
"No, it's not," Willow rushed to assure them.  
  
"How long will it last?"  
  
"I don't know how long it will take. Anywhere from seconds to minutes."  
  
"Will it hurt?"  
  
"Probably. You will probably feel some of Spike's pain before the spell is destroyed. I don't know how much though."  
  
"No!" Spike roared into the phone. The three girls pulled the receivers away from their ears and winced. "No," he repeated, this time not quite so loud. "I will not let you be at risk Dawn. I won't let you get hurt."  
  
"Spike, I want to help," Dawn informed him.  
  
"No. I'm not changing my mind about this."  
  
"What about Buffy?" Willow demanded.  
  
"What about her?"  
  
"You said yourself that this is killing Buffy. That she has a whole destiny."  
  
"Well, there's got to be another way."  
  
"There isn't another way," Willow insisted. "Don't you think we've looked everywhere before we decided to tell you about it?"  
  
"I don't like this, Willow," Buffy said quietly.  
  
Spike growled. He absolutely refused to hurt his lil Bit. He'd let the world end first. But at the same time, he couldn't lose Buffy again. He just could not.  
  
"I can't ask you to bear my sins, Niblet," Spike said softly.  
  
"I can't lose Buffy again," Dawn pointed out. "I'm not just a child anymore. I think I can make my own decision."  
  
"No," Buffy said, "You can't make this decision on your own. We'll talk about this now." And she hung up.  
  
"I want to help, Spike." Then Dawn hung up too.  
  
Spike slammed the phone down and stormed out of the house. "Where are you going?" Anya called after him.  
  
"I need to think." 


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13  
  
Dawn sat in her room, waiting for Buffy to come in. She could hear her sister, in the hallway, pacing back and forth muttering under her breath. Rehearsing what she wanted to say.  
  
Dawn already knew exactly what she wanted to do. She was going to do what needed to be done. She would cleanse Spike's soul. It would be a gift. She loved Spike, but it wouldn't be a gift to him. It would be a gift for Buffy.  
  
Two years ago, Buffy sacrificed herself for Dawn. In the process she saved the world, but Dawn knew why she did it. She did it for the little sister that was technically less than a year old. The least Dawn could do is return the favor.  
  
Buffy wouldn't want her to do it. And she knew that Spike would absolutely refuse to let her. But Dawn didn't think it was their decision anyway. It was her decision and she wasn't going to let Buffy die or Spike be miserable.  
  
Dawn sighed and began brushing her hair. 'I want to shorten and lighten,' she thought absently. It was the ability to dismiss a life and death situation in the face of grooming techniques that separated teenage girls from the rest of the world. One moment she was wrapped up in her resolution to save her sister and Spike, the next she was weighing the benefits of coloring her hair.  
  
She was so wrapped up in her hair that she failed to hear Buffy enter the room.  
  
"Dawnie," she said gently, "How are you?"  
  
Dawn spun around, surprised. "Buffy, I'm going to do it."  
  
"You can't, you might get hurt. It's dangerous."  
  
Dawn threw her hands in the air, "Life is dangerous. Going to school is dangerous. Every minute of my life as the Key and the slayer's sister is dangerous."  
  
"That doesn't mean we need to heap more danger on top of it," Buffy protested.  
  
"Buffy, you're miserable without Spike."  
  
"So? You don't need to risk your life so that I can have a love interest!"  
  
"Don't shout at me," Dawn said quietly. "Don't you shout at me. And you know this isn't just about Spike. You heard what he said. You'll die if we don't do this."  
  
"We don't know that."  
  
"But the chance is still there. Buffy, you can't leave me again."  
  
"Dawnie.."  
  
Tears sprung to Dawn's eyes. "I've always been so worthless. I mean, you've been training me to fight, but I'm not strong enough to patrol. You guys are like, bodyguards, because I always get hurt or kidnapped. I feel like I haven't been anything except a burden. And I finally have a chance to make it up to you!"  
  
Buffy gently stroked her sister's hair. "No, Dawn. You're not worthless, you're not a burden. You're a girl. A normal, teen-age girl. A sweet, wonderful, beautiful, young woman. A young woman we all love very much."  
  
Dawn took Buffy's hand, "And I love you. Please let me do something about it."  
  
Buffy didn't know what to say.  
  
***  
  
Xander, Anya, Giles, Willow, and Travers all sat in the watcher's living room, silently.  
  
'Goddess, Buffy is a Goddess, Buffy's always been a Goddess,' Xander thought, a little wildly. He felt almost giddy. One of his best friends was destined to become a Goddess. Then he stopped thinking of it in the abstract and it hit him, much the same way her death hit him, like a ton of bricks. "Shit," he breathed.  
  
Giles was furiously wiping his glasses, but his eyes were distant. His brow was furrowed in concentration. His Slayer had such an amazing destiny-if he believed Spike. He had no real evidence that what Spike was telling them was the truth. He didn't talk to Spike's sources, and Spike didn't provide any other proof. All he had was a vampire's word.  
  
Giles didn't know why Spike would lie about something like that, but there was a very strong chance that the vampire was simply mistaken. Giles tried to be open-minded. It was too risky to be otherwise on the Hellmouth. But at the end of the day, he still put his faith in his books, and none of his books mentioned anything like this. Giles was sure he would notice something as serious and as amazing as Buffy becoming a goddess.  
  
And maybe Spike becoming a God. He thought this was completely silly, even more unlikely and absurd that Buffy's supposed destiny. Maybe he had made the whole thing up just so they would hurry and restore his soul. Spike wasn't known for his planning abilities, and maybe he didn't realize how absolutely absurd the implications of this whole mess is.  
  
Giles' eyes fell on Travers. He looked just as shocked and confused as the rest of the group, and his reactions looked genuine. So either Spike really was pulling their legs, or Spike had found the real truth, uncorrupted by the Council's efforts to control and use the girls.  
  
It never occurred to Willow to doubt Spike. Her head was spinning with ways to help them. She could tell he did not want to use Dawn, and she didn't want to make them. The last thing she wanted was to upset Buffy or hurt Dawn. Willow rubbed her eyes and concentrated.  
  
There was just no way around this. None. Either they passed the soul through Dawn, or Spike had to prepare for an eternity without Buffy. And how would Buffy make it? Willow knew her friend well enough to know that she's spent the past month barely functioning at times, and it wasn't just because of a broken heart. She had confessed to Willow that it was almost impossible for her to control her emotions or impulses. She could go from screaming horrible threats at her sister and holding her and loving her in less than a minute. Willow knew this because she witnessed it. More than once.  
  
Willow put on her resolve face. She was going to make this work if it killed her. She no longer felt guilty about pulling Buffy from heaven. If Spike was correct, than it was Willow's destiny to help Buffy meet hers. Willow could sense that she still had an important roll to play.  
  
Travers was reeling from the news. He had very little reason to trust the blonde vampire. But if Spike was correct, than that meant that somehow, somewhere, the Council made a mistake. And that was absolutely unacceptable. There were many things that Quentin kept from his watchers, his Slayer, and his slayers-in-training, but was it possible that the higher-ups were keeping things from him? That was the only possible explanation because there was no way that a Slayer could be destined for something so large and the council be unaware of it.  
  
Anya was simply bored.  
  
***  
  
Spike found himself standing on Buffy's block. He still felt in control of himself, so he didn't dare venture any closer to her house.  
  
God he missed her. He missed her so much that he couldn't even think straight. He just wanted to hold her, feel her sun kissed skin against his cool body, touch her silken hair, kiss her soft, sweet lips, caress her face. He wanted to see her sweet hazel eyes and her wide, bright smile.  
  
Was that smile worth causing Dawn pain? No. Was saving Buffy's life worth causing Dawn pain? No. Buffy wouldn't want that. She died for Dawn once before because Buffy was the hero and Dawn was not.  
  
But Buffy was a hero with a destiny, a destiny greater than all of them put together. A destiny even greater than his love for the Niblet.  
  
Spike took a drag from his cigarette and realized that he would allow Dawn to go through with this crazy scheme if she wanted to. Not for his sake though. Choosing between being with Buffy and Dawn's safety was a no- brainer. He made a promise to protect Dawn until the end of the world. But choosing between Buffy's life and Dawn's safety? He couldn't make that choice. He wouldn't make that choice. That was between his Slayer and her sister.  
  
With that resolved, Spike turned to walk away when he heard the horrible screams coming from the Summers' residence. Without thinking of the possible ramifications of running blindly into Buffy's house, he threw the door open. His demon already surfacing.  
  
He recognized the screams. They weren't Buffy's. They were Dawn's. 


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14  
  
Spike ran upstairs to Dawn's room and burst through the door, then froze. He could smell the fear coming off of Dawn in waves. It occurred to him that her blood, already so sweet and powerful, would be spicy from the fear. It would coat his mouth with that spicy innocence and flow like syrup down his throat.  
  
His yellow eyes dragged from the scared girl to his mate. While the girl was scared, the Slayer was powerful and angry. Her eyes were flashing and the rage scented the room and drove Spike wild. The only thing that tasted as good as fear was rage.  
  
Spike licked his lips and ran his tongue along the sharp ends of his fangs. He roared with frustration, and his face started slipping from demon to human as he battled himself. A small, small part of him knew that he had to save the girl, that the Slayer would kill her otherwise, and that could not happen. But the rest of him wanted to let her die and then bath in her blood.  
  
With a whimper he took long strides into the room, ignoring his mate, and scooped Dawn into his arms.  
  
"What are you doing?" Buffy screamed furiously. Spike continued to ignore her. Dawn had started screaming again, seeing the hunger and conflict in Spike's eyes. He ignored that too.  
  
Before he could leave the room, Buffy hit him in the face. "Let go of my sister, you monster!"  
  
Spike growled, and threw Dawn onto her bed. "Don't."  
  
"You can't take her."  
  
Buffy punched him again, but he blocked it. With more strength than he had used on her in over 2 years, he pushed her back and she slammed into Dawn's desk, hitting her head on the corner. She slumped to the ground, her eyes open but glazed. He could still hear her strong heartbeat. He picked Dawn up again and ran out of the room.  
  
He ran down the stairs and out of the house. He wanted to take the girl back to his crypt so he could eat in her privately, without the Slayer interrupting. He ran that direction for 2 blocks until he felt the demon under control again.  
  
Dawn was still screaming and crying.  
  
"Hush, bit, you'll have the neighbors call the cops."  
  
"Spike?"  
  
"Shhh, I'll take you over to the watcher's."  
  
"I was scared."  
  
"I know. You don't need to talk about it right now. Let's just get you to Rupert's."  
  
'Please, Buffy, please don't follow,' he begged silently. He didn't know how he would handle himself if she showed up, but he didn't think it would be well. He picked up his pace and arrived at Giles' place in record time. Not bothering to knock he opened the door and hurried in.  
  
Willow's eyes widened when she saw Dawn, tears streaming down her pale face, looking frightened. "What happened?"  
  
"I don't know Red. I was walking by their house when she screamed. When I ran upstairs it looked like Buffy was attacking her, so I got her out of there."  
  
"Wait, you ran upstairs? Is Buffy ok?"  
  
"I don't know. I hit her, she didn't follow us. I think she's ok. Might have a concussion."  
  
"Oh dear lord. Xander?"  
  
Xander glared at Spike, "Yeah, I'll go check on her."  
  
Willow kept her attention on Dawn. "Dawn, are you hurt?"  
  
Bruises were beginning to form on her arms and her face. "I'll be ok." Tears were still dripping down her cheeks.  
  
"Can you tell us what happened, Bit?"  
  
Dawn forced her breathing to slow down and held back the tears before she started. "We were talking about Spike, about the soul. We were arguing a bit, she didn't want me to go through with it. One minute we were talking, than all of a sudden she started crying and screaming. I tried to leave the room but she shouted that I can't turn my back on her."  
  
Dawn stopped as a sob hitched her throat. She took a deep breath and continued. "She grabbed my arm, harder than she's ever grabbed me and pulled me back into the room. Then we got into a fight. Well, actually, I tried to duck and dodge and avoid her blows." Dawn grimaced, "But she got me a few times."  
  
Spike's blood was boiling. He was absolutely furious. At that moment it didn't matter that it was Buffy who had hurt Dawn, all that mattered was that she had been hurt. And Spike wanted to make her pay.  
  
Dawn could sense his anger and she grabbed her arm, "Don't, Spike. I'm fine."  
  
"You're not fine," he ground out.  
  
"It wasn't Buffy's fault," Dawn insisted.  
  
"She's right," Willow said quietly. "You said yourself that Buffy was overwhelmed by her emotions. I've noticed it more and more recently."  
  
Spike took a few deep breaths to calm down. "When can you perform the spell, or whatever it is that you need to do?"  
  
Willow thought about it for several seconds, "If Anya can gather some supplies, I can start preparing right now."  
  
Spike nodded. This was no longer about Buffy's destiny, this was about keeping the Bit safe. It killed him that he might have to hurt her in order to accomplish that, but there was no other way.  
  
"Dawn, are you up to this now? We can wait."  
  
She nodded, "I don't want to wait.  
  
Spike sat with Dawn and stroked her hair while Willow and Giles scurried into the guest room and prepared the circle for the spell. Travers watched the two of them with interest, as Spike comforted the scared girl and apologized for making it worse.  
  
"I'm sorry for scaring you like that, Niblet," Spike said softly.  
  
"But you don't have a soul," Travers interrupted.  
  
Dawn opened her mouth to speak but Spike held up his hand. "So?"  
  
"So, why do you even care if she's scared, or in danger? Why did you rescue her?"  
  
Spike studied the man carefully before answering. He seemed genuinely curious.  
  
Spike rolled his eyes, "I know this will probably throw you for a loop, but I love the little girl."  
  
"Hey!" Dawn protested, "I'm not a little girl." "I know you're not Niblet," Spike said with a smile.  
  
"But how can you love without a soul?"  
  
Spike stood up, "You don't need a bloody soul to love somebody! Vampires know the difference between right and wrong, love and hate, good and evil. Our natural inclination to hate and be evil, but that doesn't mean we have to be that way."  
  
"You're an odd vampire."  
  
"And you're a bloody wanker."  
  
Spike marched into the guest room. "Are you guys ready yet?"  
  
"Yeah, as soon as Anya arrives."  
  
As if on cue, Anya teleported into the room. "Here's the rest of the supplies."  
  
"Great. Spike, will you go get Dawn?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Several seconds later Spike returned, his hand resting lightly on Dawn's shoulder. "Where do you want us?" She asked.  
  
"Dawn, you stand inside the circle. Spike, you stand here. Willow, you stand against the wall. Anya, take this orb and stand behind Dawn," Giles instructed, "and I'll stand in front of Dawn." In Giles' hand was Spike's glowing soul.  
  
"I went to Buffy's and told her to stay away until we call her," Anya informed the group.  
  
"Thank you Anya, that was very thoughtful of you."  
  
"Hey Rupes, do I need to do anything?"  
  
"No, you just need to stand there. Now Spike, no matter what happens, you can't touch her until it's over. It will upset the balance and ruin the spell, and we don't know what the results of that would be."  
  
"Right, no touching," Spike nodded. "Ready Niblet?"  
  
Dawn nodded, and Willow began chanting.  
  
Spike watched intently. At first nothing happened. Dawn just stood there, her eyes wide with fear. Anya and Giles both had their eyes closed and they were mouthing the words a long with Willow. Just when Spike was sure nothing would happen and the spell wouldn't work, he saw the soul leap from the orb and into Dawn's wide blue eyes.  
  
Spike could clearly see her aura turn from green to black, and his blood froze in his veins when he heard her scream in pain.  
  
***  
  
Dawn heard herself scream, and then everything went black. When her vision cleared she realized she was standing in a long black hallway. She didn't realize it, but it was the same hallway Buffy saw in her dream nearly two months earlier.  
  
She hesitated a moment, unsure if she should walk down the hall of stay there. She saw a sword propped up against the wall, similar to the sword she used when they were hiding from Willow. She grabbed it resolutely and began to purposely move towards the door at the end of the poorly lit hallway.  
  
She felt cold, shivers running up and down her body. She didn't just feel physically cold. She felt the cold in her mind, her heart, and her soul. It seemed to freeze her. She did her best to focus on images of the sun in an effort to ward off the chill. Those images shifted to Buffy. Dawn would never admit it to anybody, but Buffy really was her hero. All she needed to do was picture her sister's bright smile to feel warmth, and picture her fighting nasties to give her strength.  
  
Finally she reached the door and tentatively touched the doorknob. She half expected it to be locked, or the door to be jammed, or at least have squeaky hinges. But the knob turned easily in her hand the door opened smoothly and silently.  
  
She stepped into a large chamber with stadium seating. The seats were full. Some people were smiling, some frowning, some cheering, some crying. But no matter their reaction, all their attention was turned to the table in the center of room, and the writhing vampire on the stone slab.  
  
"Spike!" Dawn screamed and rushed to his side. He was bound with large, thick ropes at his wrists, waist, and ankles. His entire body was injured and badly scarred. His eyes looked old and tired. They weren't the eyes of her Spike, they were the eyes of a war refugee who had nowhere left to go and no reason left to live. Dawn felt her eyes flood and the tears overflow as she looked at her friend helplessly tied to the table under the gaze of thousands of people, calling for his blood.  
  
"Not Spike. William," he gasped.  
  
Dawn understood. This looked like Spike, but it wasn't him exactly. It was his soul.  
  
"I've come to save you," Dawn said gently.  
  
"I don't deserve it."  
  
Dawn frowned, "Don't argue with me. I'm going to see if I can cut these ropes."  
  
She brought her sword back as far as she could, and with all of her might, she brought it down on the ropes next to Spike's wrists. To her surprise, they actually broke. Spike freed his arms, and with a sigh of relief, lowered them to his side.  
  
"What is the girl doing?" The crowd yelled as one.  
  
"I'm freeing him!"  
  
"You can't free him," they protested. Thousands of voices raged at her.  
  
"I have to! We need him," Dawn shouted back, refusing to back down. She would not let these figments scare her. She knew they weren't real.  
  
"He needs to be punished."  
  
Dawn stood back and took a whack at the rope by his feet. "He has been punished. I need him now."  
  
A door on the opposite side of the chamber opened, and Buffy emerged. "No Dawnie, you can't do this."  
  
Dawn narrowed her eyes, "Why are you here."  
  
"I can't let him go. I need to stake him."  
  
"But you don't want to stake him," Dawn flung her body across Spike's as a shield, mindless of his broken and battered chest and her own safety.  
  
"Get off of him," the crowd roared.  
  
Buffy transformed into a man Dawn didn't recognize. "If you don't move, I'll stab you!"  
  
Dawn didn't budge, and the man brought the railroad spike down into Dawn's hand.  
  
***  
  
"Ow!" Dawn screeched, then started to cry, cradling her hand against her chest. Spike's eyes caught Giles' just as he was reaching for her, and he stepped back.  
  
"How long has it been?" Willow asked.  
  
"Five minutes," Anya replied.  
  
"It should have been over by now. End it," Spike demanded.  
  
Willow shook her head, "I can't."  
  
"It's hurting her," his eyes pleaded with Willow, but she could only stand there and watch.  
  
***  
  
Dawn screamed when the stake was plunged into her hand, but as soon as she felt the pain the stake disappeared.  
  
"Ok, gotta get you out of here before that happens again."  
  
The man came after her again, walking slowly over to the side of the table where Dawn was. She straightened and prepared herself for an attack, like Buffy had taught her. As soon as the man was close enough, she raised the sword and brought it down on his head. As soon as the blade touched him, he disappeared.  
  
"Can you untie the rope around your waist?"  
  
William shook his head, "No."  
  
"I'll try to get it with this, but I don't want to hurt you."  
  
Dawn had horrible visions of missing the rope and cutting into William's stomach. She could see the blood and the guts leak out of him and she blanched.  
  
"Don't worry about hurting me. Not much more damage you could do," he gave a bitter laugh.  
  
Squaring her shoulders she lifted the blade and brought it down on the rope, narrowly missing him as the sword hit the stone table. But the rope snapped and William jumped up.  
  
"Behind you," he shouted and Dawn spun, bringing the sword across the neck of a young woman. Like the man before her, she disappeared.  
  
"How do we get out of her?" She asked.  
  
There were only two doors. The way she came and the entrance Buffy had used. She was uncertain and knew she'd probably only get one chance. There was no way that she and William could fend off thousands and thousands of angry people, all crying for blood and vengeance.  
  
"Quick, this way," she called as she headed back to the door she came from.  
  
***  
  
"Look at her aura," Willow shouted. "It's almost green again!"  
  
***  
  
"Come on, come on, come on," Dawn pleaded. "Hurry."  
  
"I'm going as fast as I can," William insisted as he limped down the hall. Behind the door they could hear the people rioting, screaming, and looking for weapons. The way they had been worked up they probably wouldn't need weapons to tear the unlikely duo apart.  
  
"How much farther?" William asked.  
  
"I don't know," Dawn panted. "Probably not too much. Here grab my hand. Don't let go," she instructed. The hall stretched in front of them, ominously, seeming to go forever.  
  
***  
  
"It's green, it's green," Spike shouted. Willow quickly began reading the last half of the spell, and the light bounced out of Dawn, and into Anya's hands.  
  
As soon as Willow's part was done, Giles started speaking. Within minutes, the light of the soul was in Spike's eyes. 


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15  
  
Spike collapsed onto the ground, next to Dawn. "Dawn," he asked urgently, "are you ok?"  
  
She turned her head and looked at him. "Yeah, I'm fine. Did it work?"  
  
Spike nodded, tears falling down his face. "It worked, Niblet. You did it."  
  
She smiled widely, her sweet face enough to light the room. "Good. I'm tired though."  
  
Spike effortlessly picked her up and laid her on the bed. "Stay here and get some sleep. I'll be here when you wake up," he promised.  
  
She nodded and with a content sigh, drifted off.  
  
"Do you know what happened?" Willow asked.  
  
Spike nodded, "Yeah, I remember. She led my soul out of the darkness, away from the ones who would destroy it and her. She was so brave." New tears darkened his eyes, "My brave lil Bit."  
  
Willow, Giles, and Anya all quietly left the room, leaving the vampire perched on the edge of the bed watching the little girl sleep. And she did look like a little girl, so young and so delicate. But they all had first hand knowledge of how strong she could be.  
  
Spike was so intent on the sleeping girl that he didn't hear the door open. Buffy slowly walked into the room and when she saw the dark bruise on Dawn's face a sob escaped her throat.  
  
"Oh, God, I'm so sorry."  
  
Spike quickly stood up and went to her, wrapping his arms around her trembling body. "I'm so sorry," she sobbed, "I didn't mean to hurt her."  
  
Spike stroked her hair, "I know," he whispered soothingly, "I know. She's gonna be ok."  
  
Buffy clutched him tightly. "I missed you," she cried over and over again.  
  
"I missed you too." He kissed her then, with a lifetime's worth of love and hope. The kiss was spiced with their salty tears, now mingling together. Their legs gave out at the same time and they sunk to the floor, still held tightly against each other.  
  
Spike's hand was buried deep into Buffy's hair, and he was afraid that if he let her go she would disappear. She was soft and hot, and he could hear her heartbeat slow from the frantic rate of fear and sorrow.  
  
"Is Dawn ok?"  
  
Spike nodded.  
  
"Did she..was the spell ok?"  
  
"Oh Buffy, you would have been so proud of her." Spike sniffed.  
  
"Does she hate me?"  
  
Spike shook his head, "No, she doesn't."  
  
Looking at her bright green eyes, luminous with her tears, and stormy with concern he felt his undead heart lurch. God he missed her so much. He wiped away her tears with his thumb and when his hand got close to her mouth she caught his finger with her lips.  
  
His finger was soft and tasted like salt from her tears. His face, always an open book, showed relief and love. His eyes were dark with passion. She sucked his finger deeper into her mouth and he gasped. He grew hard when he felt the silky wetness of her hot mouth. He pulled his finger from her lips slowly and replaced it with his tongue.  
  
When he released her lips so she could breath, she put her hand on his face, tracing his cheekbones, his forehead, his nose, his mouth. Her hand slid through his soft curls, he hadn't slicked it back for months. She ran both of her hands down his neck and around his shoulder. He silently let her continue her exploration, reacquainting her hands with his body.  
  
They were both completely lost in each other, the world disappearing around them. All that mattered was her caresses and his eyes and her tears and his lips. Spike wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his face against her neck. He inhaled sharply, drowning in her scent. She continued to rub his head and back before locking her hands behind his back.  
  
They stayed like that, holding each other, sharing their warmth until Dawn woke up 30 minutes later. When she saw their tight embrace, she smiled. It was worth getting her hand staked just to see the two of them finally together again.  
  
Buffy looked up past Spike's shoulder and saw that her sister was awake. "Dawn. Oh Dawn." She pulled away from Spike and jumped up onto the bed, grabbing her sister in a big bear hug. Spike watched from the floor, a small smile playing at his lips. His girls were both ok. That's all that mattered.  
  
"Dawn, I didn't mean to hurt you, I don't know what happened."  
  
Dawn stroked her sister's hair, "It's ok. I know it wasn't you."  
  
"I didn't mean to get that angry at you. I love you, Dawnie, I really do."  
  
"I know, Buffy, I know. Hey, I'm gonna go out there and give you two some privacy."  
  
Buffy let her go and watched her walk out. As soon as she was gone, Spike moved onto the bed, drawn to her like a magnet. Spike caught her lips in a passionate kiss. Gone was all the gentleness of before. He plundered into her mouth with his tongue and she did the same with equal fervor.  
  
There were no words between them, just frantic hands ripping away clothes and barriers. There would be time later for loving and sweet caresses, now was only the need to be as close as two people could be. Lips against lips, skin against skin. She was so hot to his touch that she almost burned him. He didn't care. He missed her heat.  
  
"I..want you inside of me," Buffy gasped as Spike kissed and nibbled her jaw line and neck. "Completely inside of me."  
  
Spike growled and positioned himself above her. She wrapped her legs around his waist and thrust against him. He moved into her easily, seeking her heat and comfort. He moved slowly against her.  
  
"You're so sweet, so hot," he whispered against her skin. As he increased his tempo, he also increased the oaths of love and dedication. She responded with equal declarations until she was lost in the feelings of him inside of her body and her heart.  
  
She tilted her head back. "Bite me," she whispered.  
  
Before he sunk his fangs into her neck she could have sworn that she heard him say, "I'm sorry."  
  
As he began sucking the blood from her she peaked and rode her orgasm out. Almost immediately she was hit with another intense wave of pleasure and she moved against him, lost in the ecstasy of the moment. It took her several seconds before she realized that Spike wasn't stopping. A wave of fear hit her and she began to struggle.  
  
He grabbed both of her wrists in one hand and repositioned his body so that all of his weight was completely on her. She was growing too weak from blood loss to push him off. Her eyes glazed and her eyelids fluttered close. Spike listened intently for her heart, and stopped immediately when it slowed to the beat that indicated she was almost drained.  
  
He pulled back from her and looked at her still and pale face. His heart constricted and fresh tears filled his eyes. He quickly stood up and pulled his clothes on then hurried out the door. "Watch her," he barked at the group in the living room then slammed into the bathroom.  
  
Giles and Willow jumped to their feet and hurried into the guest bedroom. Buffy was naked, stretched out on the bed. Giles ignored that and reached for her pulse. "It's steady. I think she'll be ok."  
  
"I'll get her dressed," Willow volunteered, "and stay here in case she wakes up."  
  
***  
  
Spike turned on the sink and the shower then sank to the floor, his back against the wall. His head ached, his stomach ached, his heart ached.  
  
He could still hear her heart pounding in his ears, going from the strong healthy beat to a fast tempo from fear and finally the slow, almost dead thump thump. It was her blood coursing through his veins and instead of invigorating him it made him want to vomit. It didn't matter that he only did it because he had to, he had nearly killed her. She was afraid of him. He had held her life in his hands and she was afraid of him.  
  
Spike covered his face and listened to the beating water. He couldn't leave the house but he didn't want them to hear what he was going through. It was better that they simply imagined his sobs under the pounding water instead of actually hearing him howl in confusion and pain and fear and love and disgust with himself.  
  
Everything that had happened since returning to Sunnydale hit him and the floodgates opened. He pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his head on the top of his legs. He began to sob.  
  
***  
  
Giles, Dawn, Xander, Anya, and Travers all looked at each other uncomfortably. Dawn was eating a bowl of ice cream and trying to ignore the harsh sounds coming from the bathroom. Anya was trying to ignore the deadly glares Xander was shooting at the closed bathroom door. Giles was trying to ignore the image of Buffy lying on the bed, pale, almost empty of her life's blood.  
  
Quentin rolled his eyes, "What the hell is going on here?"  
  
"Shut up," Giles snapped. He was distinctly uncomfortable with the situation and unsure of how to handle it. He was also confused about Spike's behavior. He had never seen the blonde vampire show any weakness, much less tears. Hysterical tears.  
  
"He had to do it," Anya said softly to Xander.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You look like you want to dust Spike. And I can understand that. But you know he had to do it."  
  
Xander sighed and looked at Dawn and her bruises. "But how do we know that Spike was telling the truth? Or that whoever told Spike that he needed to drink from her was right?"  
  
"We don't," Anya said, "but it's the only information we have. We had to try something, and Buffy will be fine."  
  
"Should we take her to the hospital?" Xander asked.  
  
"Maybe we should," Giles conceded. "Anya, go see if Willow has got her dressed, then we'll take her out to the car."  
  
Giles knocked on the bathroom door. "Spike?" He yelled over the sound of the running water.  
  
"What?"  
  
"We're taking Buffy to the hospital."  
  
The only answer was a strangled sob.  
  
"Do you want to come along?"  
  
Spike stood up and turned off the shower. "I'll meet you there." 


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16  
  
Buffy woke up in the hospital and nearly panicked. Then the events of the previous day rushed back to her and she grimaced.  
  
Giles was hovering over her, "How are you feeling."  
  
"Like somebody tried to drain me."  
  
"Yes, that was rather..unfortunate."  
  
"He didn't even warn me."  
  
"What?"  
  
"He just dove in. I mean, well, I kinda asked him to," she said shyly, "but I didn't want him to try to kill me!"  
  
"I don't think that was his motive."  
  
Buffy looked confused, "Then what..oh!" She had forgotten Spike's explanation of what was going on, of what he needed to do. She concentrated and it did feel like she had her body back to some extent.  
  
"I think it worked," she said softly. "I don't feel like I'm going to blow up any second. Also, I still have my new senses, but they're not as intense."  
  
"Maybe that's just a side affect of losing so much blood?" Giles suggested.  
  
Buffy shook her head, "I don't think so." But she didn't clarify. "Where is he?"  
  
"He's waiting out in the lobby. I think you should see him. He's not himself."  
  
Buffy smiled, "Will you send him in?"  
  
Giles nodded, "Of course. I'll just go tell everybody you're ok."  
  
Several minutes later Spike shuffled into the room, his eyes looking at everything except Buffy. She remembered the first time she saw him when he came back, it seemed like a million years ago. The energy was gone again, and he seemed smaller. His shoulders were hunched forward and his head was lowered.  
  
"What's wrong with you?" She asked gently.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Come here." He walked forward until he was standing next to the bed. She grasped his hand. "What for?"  
  
With his free hand he motioned at the hospital room, "This."  
  
"But you needed to do it."  
  
"I know, but I should have warned you or asked you or something. It's just, it seemed like as good as any," Spike explained weakly.  
  
"Yeah, I agree that you could have done better, but hey, in the end it all worked out. I'm fine."  
  
"Do you feel different?"  
  
Buffy nodded, "Better. Like I'm in control of myself again. You?"  
  
"Stronger. Well, between Lilith, my own soul, and the power of your blood, I'm kinda feeling punch-drunk. There's a lot going on."  
  
"You've been crying. Your eyes are all red-rimmed and bloodshot."  
  
Spike grimaced. "Yeah, been bawling like a baby," he admitted. "Told you, there's a lot going on."  
  
Buffy nodded. Despite the fact that she was sitting in a hospital room, she felt happy for the first time in over a month. Spike was with her, holding her hand, and they were talking like normal people. That didn't happen too often.  
  
"When can I leave?" She asked.  
  
"I think the doctor said tomorrow morning."  
  
A nurse stuck her head in, "Visiting hours will be over in 10 minutes."  
  
Spike nodded at her, "Ok." He turned his attention back to Buffy, "Guess I'll go get your mates so they can say hi before it's time to go."  
  
"Ok."  
  
He smiled at her, a genuine smile, then walked out the door. A few minutes later the whole group bustled in, and crowded around her bed. "Everything ok?" Willow asked.  
  
"Everything's fine," she assured them. "Where'd Spike go?"  
  
"He went to get the car," Xander answered. "I'll come by tomorrow morning to pick you up."  
  
"Sounds good. Dawn, will you be sure to give him some clothes for me? Jeans and a t-shirt will be fine."  
  
Dawn hugged Buffy's shoulder, "Will do."  
  
The same nurse came in, "Time's up people. You can see her tomorrow."  
  
"Night Buffy," Dawn gave her shoulder another squeeze. Everybody said their goodbyes and suddenly Buffy was all alone in the hospital.  
  
***  
  
The phone rang at 2 o'clock. It didn't wake her up though; she had been unable to sleep. She grabbed it on the first ring so it wouldn't wake anybody else up.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hi luv."  
  
Buffy smiled and relaxed. "Why are you calling me at 2 in the morning. Wait, how did you call me?"  
  
"I called you because I knew you wouldn't be able to sleep, and don't worry about the second question."  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes, "How did you know I wouldn't be able to sleep?"  
  
"I know you're scared of hospitals, pet."  
  
"How?"  
  
"You're full of questions tonight, aren't you? Buffy, there isn't much about you I don't know."  
  
Buffy was forced to acknowledge that there was a whole universe of stuff about Spike that she didn't know.  
  
"So," he continued, "What are you wearing?"  
  
"What? What are you talking about?"  
  
"I imagine you're still in the hospital gown. I'm wearing my black jeans and a blue shirt, unbuttoned. I'm bare foot."  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Shhhh, Buffy. Just relax."  
  
Buffy smiled. Only Spike would put her in the hospital than call in the middle of the night and attempt phone sex. "Ok, fine, I'm relaxed."  
  
"Good. Now, I'd start by kissing you, gently at first. I'd trace your lips with the tip of my tongue and when you opened your mouth for, I'd explore your entire mouth, tasting every bit of you. While I'm kissing you, I'd lift the nightgown off of you, leaving your soft, lean, sweet body exposed to me."  
  
Buffy was really starting to enjoy this. Spike had a sexy voice, that was a fact that she'd never been able to deny.  
  
"Then I'd stop kissing your lips and start licking your neck. Your taste and scent always drives me insane, and I can feel every heartbeat and breath against my body. Your skin tastes so delicious on your neck, I wonder how you taste everywhere else. I move lower and lick the swell of your breast, and lower until my tongue is swirling all over your soft nipple."  
  
Buffy's hand went to her nipple and began playing with it over the cloth. If she closed her eyes and thought real hard she could pretend it was Spike's tongue instead of her hand. That sent shivers up and down her body and she moved to the other nipple.  
  
"Are you touching yourself now?"  
  
"Yes," she breathed.  
  
"Where?"  
  
"My nipples."  
  
"Does it feel good?"  
  
"Mmmmm."  
  
"I switch between your tits, licking, nipping, kissing, and biting until your nipples are hard with excitement. As soon as you can't take it anymore, I'll move lower to your stomach, and lower still until my head is resting on your thigh. With my hand I'd begin to caress your other thigh, moving my hands in circle, getting closer and closer to your hot little cunny, but never quite touching it."  
  
Her hands moved with his words and she began teasing herself. She wanted to touch her clit so bad, but she wouldn't until he said so.  
  
"I'll keep caressing and kissing your inner-thighs until you beg me."  
  
"Beg you?" She croaked. Desire was now running all over her body, blood was rushing from her head making it difficult for her to talk. Spike though sounded completely in control.  
  
"Yes, beg me to touch you."  
  
"Please, Spike, please touch me."  
  
"Where?"  
  
"On my clit," she choked out. It was never, ever easy for her to ask for what she wanted.  
  
"My finger slides in between your lips into your soft folds. Your juices are so hot that they almost burn me. I pull my finger out and lick it. You taste bloody fantastic, perfect, like heaven. I lean over and lick your clit, then take it in between my lips, biting on it gently. While you squirm against my face, feeling my tongue circle all over your clit, I push two fingers into your hot quim and rub your G-Spot."  
  
She shoved her own fingers inside of her and rubbed that very spot.  
  
"What are you doing now?" He asked silkily.  
  
"I'm..oh..I'm touching myself."  
  
"Where?"  
  
"My spot." The words were difficult to say, her head was spinning, and oh god she wanted him.  
  
"Do you wish I was there?"  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"Do you wish it was me fucking you with my hard cock?"  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"Are you close? Are you gonna cum?"  
  
"Yessssss."  
  
"Cum for me love, right now." Those were the magic words and she felt her whole body convulse and rock with pleasure. She couldn't move at first, just lay there and try to catch her breath. Finally she pulled her hand away and straightened her nightgown.  
  
"Think you can sleep now?"  
  
'No,' she thought, 'I could go all night.' "Yes."  
  
"I love you Buffy."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
"Goodnight."  
  
"Wait! What about you?"  
  
Spike chuckled, "Don't worry about me, luv. I'll be fine."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Well, good night then. I'll see you tomorrow. I love you."  
  
"Love you too." 


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17  
  
Spike thought things would be different somehow. He didn't know what would change, or how, but he counted on something being different. But things seemed normal.  
  
Well, no, not quite normal. Things were never normal for Spike. It definitely wasn't normal to be drinking eggnog in Buffy's house and watching Scrooged with Dawn. He'd never admit it, but he thought Bill Murray was pretty funny. It wasn't normal to exchange presents with Harris, and it wasn't normal to exchange stories with Giles.  
  
Spike hadn't celebrated Christmas for years and years. Sometimes he and Dru would attack a group of carolers, or those Salvation Army Santas.Spike felt a sharp pain at the thought of Drusilla. He didn't think of her often. Quite frankly, he had been too busy the past few months to spare you much more than a second or two. Honestly, he wished that she hadn't died. Drusilla was not supposed to die. But vampires weren't supposed to love Slayers, and watch Christmas movies, and agonize over carefully chosen gifts for a bunch of soddin' humans either.  
  
He heard something shatter in the kitchen and Buffy's muffled curse. He would have ignored it-she made it quite clear that she didn't want help- but he also smelt her blood wafting through the air. He jumped up and hurried into the other room.  
  
"Pet, you ok?"  
  
She was holding her hand under the running water. "Yeah, I think I am. Just a little nick."  
  
Spike pursed his lips, "Let me see."  
  
"No, I'm fine."  
  
"Slayer, don't be such a baby."  
  
"I'm not a baby!" She whined.  
  
Spike smiled and crossed over to her side, gently taking her wrist in his hand. He pulled her hand away from the sink and frowned.  
  
"This is a lot more than just a little nick."  
  
"I'll be fine. I have super-super healing powers now," Buffy shrugged.  
  
"Yes, you do," Spike agreed softly, mesmerized by the tiny, scarlet rivulets flowing down her arm. He could feel his demon struggle for relief, and his face changed and reverted to normal in a flash. It was fast, but not so fast that Buffy didn't catch it.  
  
"Spike, what's wrong?"  
  
"What?" He looked slightly dazed.  
  
"Why are you staring at me like I'm the All You Can Eat Buffy."  
  
"I'm not," Spike said weakly, his gaze still locked on her wrist. She pulled away from him and in the same motion, pushed him.  
  
"Damnit Spike! Snap out of it!"  
  
"Is everything OK in there?" Giles called from the dining room where he was immersed in research. Buffy knew he wouldn't stop until he figured out what the hell was going on with her. And why it hadn't happened yet.  
  
"We're fine!" Buffy called. She stared pointedly at Spike and said softly, "Aren't we?"  
  
"What? Yeah." His face cleared as soon as she bandaged her arm. His reaction to her blood wasn't unexpected, but it still gave her the wiggins. She tried to hide her wound from him because he had been doing this ever since she got back from the hospital. He used to clean her various battle injuries and bandage them, giving no outward sign of the distress it caused him to be that close to her lifeblood. But now the slightest scent of it would send him a million miles away.  
  
"Spike, seriously, what's going on?"  
  
He took a slight step back, unwilling to tell her what he had been going through lately. He was increasingly sensitive and hyper, easily distracted. He didn't want to kill anybody, but at the same time, he couldn't think of anything else than dark, sweet, fear drenched blood filling his mouth and sliding down his throat in hot, delicious bursts...and shit, there he goes again.  
  
"I...don't know," he confessed.  
  
"It's the blood." Not a question.  
  
He nodded his hand, no sense in lying to her. "I haven't had bloodlust like this since I was a fledgling."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Spike shrugged, "I don't know."  
  
"For how long?"  
  
"Since I drank from you."  
  
"You wouldn't.." Buffy didn't want to finish the sentence though.  
  
"I would never drink from anybody, Buffy. Never," Spike insisted earnestly.  
  
Buffy reached up and cupped his face, "I know."  
  
Spike decided to change the subject, "So, what's going on here?"  
  
Buffy grimaced as she bent to pick up glass shards. "I dropped the casserole dish. Fortunately, there wasn't anything in it."  
  
"Are you sure you don't want any help in here?"  
  
She threw the broken dish away and looked at him skeptically. "You know how to cook Christmas dinner?"  
  
"Well, not exactly, but I can offer advice. And moral support." He lit a cigarette and sat down on one of the barstools at the counter.  
  
"Don't smoke in here! You'll get ash in the food. Put it out!"  
  
"Make me," he smirked.  
  
"Oh, I'll make you." She reached up and plucked the cigarette right out of his mouth and tossed it nonchalantly into the sink.  
  
"Bitch," he snarled.  
  
"Oooh, did I make the Big Bad mad?" She taunted.  
  
"I'll show you mad!" He lunged across the counter and knocked the flour onto the floor. A white cloud puffed into the air.  
  
"Look what you..." Her words were cut off by Spike's demanding lips. Suddenly, she didn't care about the white powder covering her kitchen, as his hands found their way under her shirt.  
  
"Spike," she moaned.  
  
"Yes, luv?" He said softly.  
  
"I've got pies in the oven..." She broke away from him, and for the second time in ten minutes, pushed Spike away. He growled, but stepped back.  
  
"We'll have plenty of time for that later," she promised him.  
  
"We'll need it," he winked.  
  
Spike grabbed a beer from the fridge and went back to his spot on the sofa.  
  
"Is she ok in there?" Xander asked.  
  
"Stubborn, but fine."  
  
"Why does she always insist on making holiday meals herself?" Dawn demanded.  
  
Spike shrugged, "She like's playing Mama Hen once in awhile."  
  
They lapsed into comfortable silence, watching the end of the movie. Spike had to admit that he was moved by Bill Murray's final speech, but that poncey song afterward was almost too much, so he excused himself to the dining room, where Giles and Willow were hunched over their books.  
  
"Anything?"  
  
Willow shook her head. "Nope. Big on the frustrating."  
  
Giles nodded in silent agreement. He was reaching the end of his patience-almost to the brink. This was a point that even Buffy, in her most aggravating cheerleading days, had never pushed him to.  
  
He looked at the blonde vampire briefly. He was still not quite comfortable with him, but that was something he would just have to get over. Willow had told him that Spike had an enormous amount of power and strength in his aura-more so than anybody she had ever seen except Buffy. Spike was not someone he wanted on his bad side right now.  
  
Giles had also noticed a difference in the vampire's attitude. He was always a bit over-active, but now he was down right hyper. He jumped and hopped from room to room; he prowled the streets late at night, alone, patrolling. Giles didn't think that Spike had slept in days.  
  
Spike shifted his weight from one foot to the other repeatedly. "Shouldn't we be different now or something?"  
  
"We don't know Spike. We're working on it."  
  
"Yeah, yeah." He didn't wait around to hear more of their hemming and hawing. He marched upstairs, searching for something, but not sure of what. Not only had he been dealing with intense bloodlust, he also had the feeling that he had lost something. Something vital. It was unnerving to say the least.  
  
He flopped down on Buffy's bed-his bed too-and stared at the ceiling. Not normal, nothing normal. And nothing is different either. Except everything was different and not just the obvious things. It was driving him crazy.  
  
It felt like minutes, but it was probably closer to hours, rushed by, as Spike was deep in thought. Buffy poked her head into the room. "Dinner," she said brightly.  
  
"Not hungry," he muttered.  
  
"Spike, it's Christmas Dinner."  
  
"Well, the Big Bad isn't big on the old holiday cheer."  
  
Buffy frowned, "Food. You like food. I even made **special** gravy for you."  
  
"Why do you even celebrate Christmas? You're not religious at all."  
  
Buffy sat down beside Spike. "Well, it's not just about the religious part. Christmas is about family, and friends, and being close and sharing."  
  
"You sound like a bloody Hallmark commercial."  
  
"You haven't been Mr. Grumpy for awhile. What's wrong with you?"  
  
"Can't you feel it Buffy?"  
  
"Feel what?"  
  
"Something's missing."  
  
"Everything feels normal to me.."  
  
"Exactly," Spike said triumphantly, "Everything feels normal. But everything is normal, is it?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Look at your hand?"  
  
She unwrapped the bandage, and saw that her skin was completely flawless and perfectly healed.  
  
"Point."  
  
"I feel like we're running in place, Buffy. I feel like we're caged in...I can't stand this waiting."  
  
Well, Buffy thought, that's really nothing new. "I know. But we still have to eat Christmas dinner."  
  
Before Spike could respond, the room started to shake. A normal person in Southern California would simply pass it off as an earthquake, but Buffy's first thought was **Apocalypse**.  
  
As soon as the shaking stopped, the room was plunged into darkness. Buffy felt panic well up inside her as her senses told her that she was alone---and that she was no longer in her room. 


	18. Chapter 18

"Spike?" Buffy called out tentatively. "You here?"  
  
Buffy was extremely nervous. Her senses were telling her that there was nothing at all surrounding her. It seemed that she was nowhere, floating freely in the inky blackness of nothing. At that thought, she panicked and she called again for Spike, this time louder.  
  
She didn't get a response, nor did she expect one. She couldn't feel him at all, not even a little bit.  
  
"Anybody?" She tried to move, to seek somebody out-and maybe beat him or her up for dragging her to this void of darkness-but found that her body wasn't responding to her thoughts. Not even a little bit. She was left to wonder if she had a body at all. She vaguely remembered being in heaven, and it was kind of like this. There was no form, but it wasn't as dark and as empty. She wasn't lost or confused or alone.  
  
"Ok, I must still have my body, because I can talk, right?" Only, Buffy couldn't tell if she was really talking out loud or just thinking the words. She concentrated very hard-were her eyes closed?-on Spike and tried to reach him, and felt a glimmer in response. It was small, but it gave her hope.  
  
"Where am I?"  
  
"A quiet place." The voice was low and calm, soothing. Buffy knew that if she listened to it long enough it could lull her to sleep. It sounded like soft, cotton blankets fresh from the dryer, like hot showers after long patrols, like gently sung lullabies.  
  
"Why am I here? Who are you?"  
  
"So many questions. You miss your vampire, no?"  
  
"Is he here?"  
  
The voice didn't respond, but it didn't need to. "Slayer? Buffy? Where are you?"  
  
"Spike! I'm here.somewhere. Can you see anything?"  
  
"No."  
  
"You are here to think and to talk."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
The Voice seemed to be infinitively patient and wise, and Buffy instinctually trusted it. "This is part of a trial."  
  
"I've had enough bloody trials!" Spike announced angrily.  
  
The Voice continued, ignoring the blonde's outburst. "You must talk to each other about your pasts, your mistakes, apologies, dreams, everything."  
  
"Past? Apologies? We've already done that," Buffy stated.  
  
"No, you both keep too much back. You **must** talk to each other. You will not leave this place until everything is settled."  
  
"Why?" Spike demanded, though honestly, he wasn't too angry about the situation. He'd take advantage of any time to talk to Buffy.  
  
"You will learn in good time."  
  
"Why here? Why not at home over some hot chocolate or something?" Buffy asked.  
  
"There are no distractions here. There is no time. You don't even have bodies to distract each other. There are only your words and thoughts."  
  
"Where is here?"  
  
"You are between dimensions. You have been given a great gift. Use it wisely." And then the Voice was gone, leaving only the spirits of the Slayer and the Vampire.  
  
"This is all your fault, you know," Buffy pouted.  
  
"Me? How is it my fault?"  
  
"You were going on and on about how boring and normal everything was. You practically jinxed us!"  
  
Spike snorted, "Whatever, Slayer. So, now what?"  
  
"We talk, I guess."  
  
"What do you want to talk about?"  
  
Buffy sighed, "I don't know. I mean, when was the last time we had time to actually have a full conversation?"  
  
"Never?"  
  
"I bet all you have to talk about is how many people you killed."  
  
Spike sighed, "Yeah, because that's all I'm about. I don't have hobbies, or layers, or thoughts. Just kill, kill, kill."  
  
"Well, yeah."  
  
"No, Buffy, I'm not that way."  
  
"Ok, maybe not now, since you have the soul."  
  
"No, Buffy, not ever. But you never wanted to see that."  
  
"So you're telling me that when you were the Big Bad, you had more thoughts than just murder and torture?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
Spike paused. He got the impression that when the Voice said they needed to settle everything, it meant **everything**. Besides, he didn't want to lie to Buffy. "I like to read poetry."  
  
Buffy wasn't shocked; she had seen the books lying around his crypt. "Ok, so massacring and reading. What else?"  
  
"Buffy, I killed a lot of people. I know I did. But I was a vampire."  
  
"Was?"  
  
"Ok, am. But I was different then. Did you bring up Angel's past every time you talked to him?"  
  
"Don't talk about Angel," she said softly.  
  
Spike mentally rolled his eyes. "Oh sorry, didn't realize the precious ponce was off-limits."  
  
"He's dead."  
  
"Uh, yeah, you killed him."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Buffy, you thought you had to."  
  
"I know I had to. It doesn't make it any better."  
  
"Are you going to answer my question?"  
  
"What? Oh. No, I didn't bring it up every time I talked to him."  
  
"Not even after his stint as Angelus?"  
  
"No, not even after that. But..but that was different?"  
  
"How was it different, Buffy? Tell me."  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Buffy, if you keep avoiding the conversation, we'll be here forever."  
  
"Because I loved him."  
  
Spike struggled to keep his voice even. No good jumping to conclusions-even if they are obvious conclusions. "But not me?"  
  
"No! Of course I love you. But I was just 16 when I loved him, Spike. I still believed in that my charming prince was coming to sweep me away to my happily ever after. Angel wasn't just a vampire, he was the embodiment of every childish fantasy I've ever had!"  
  
In an odd way, that soothed him. "So you're saying that you didn't view him as a vampire at all? Jesus Buffy, you barely saw him as a man!"  
  
"Look, I doubt we're here to discuss Angel."  
  
"No, I bet that's exactly while we're here."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"He's always been hanging over my head. You may have killed him, but he's not gone."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You're constantly comparing me to your precious Angel. I'm not good enough, or bad enough, or mysterious enough, or whatever else you need from me! Angelus was not the end-all and be-all of vampires, Slayer. You would know that if you bothered to open your eyes once in awhile!"  
  
Buffy was surprised by his outburst. "How long has that been building?"  
  
"Couple years. But you can't deny it." "I know..I did that a lot, at first. Compare the two of you. But Spike, you two are nothing alike, and I realized that fairly quickly."  
  
"Oh of course," he said bitterly, "nothing like Angel. Bet that didn't work out in my favor."  
  
"Well, no," she admitted, "not at first."  
  
A/N-Due to circumstances out of my control, I'm posting the first part of this chapter now, and the last part later tonight or tomorrow. Hope you enjoy it. 


	19. Chapter 19

"Oh of course," he said bitterly, "nothing like Angel. Bet that didn't work out in my favor."  
  
"Well, no," she admitted, "not at first."  
  
"What's that mean?" Spike asked.  
  
"It means that I don't want you to be Angel or anybody else. I want you to be you Spike. Yeah, ok, it took me a long time to realize that, but I do now. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life with Angel hanging over this relationship," Buffy explained.  
  
"Oh," was all Spike could say in response. Well, if this was her way of saying she wanted to put Angelus behind them, than he would be more than happy to stop talking about him completely.  
  
"Well," she said, "what should we talk about now?"  
  
"Last year."  
  
"I don't want to talk about last year," Buffy responded.  
  
"And that's exactly why we should. I think that's why we're here Buffy, and they won't let us go until we really talk about everything."  
  
"Fine, then talk."  
  
"Ok, I will. First, I'm sorry for not stopping you when you kissed me and when you jumped me. Next, I'm sorry for telling you that belong in the dark. I was wrong. I'm sorry for anything I may have said or done that caused you more pain. And I'm sorry for attacking you." His voice was low and hoarse.  
  
"Oh, Spike. I know you are. And I told you, I forgive you." She wanted to reach out and hug him more than anything. She settled for making apologies of her own. "I'm sorry I called you an evil, dead thing. I'm sorry I pounded you until you could barely walk. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry I mocked you and ignored your feelings."  
  
This was a spring board into a discussion that may have taken hours or day for all they knew. Buffy and Spike rehashed every hurt, every joy, every second they spent together after she had been pulled from heaven. Their tears were cried and hearts pulled apart and put back together. Once they started, they couldn't stop until everything was said, sometimes more than once.  
  
When they were through, they were emotionally exhausted, but both felt much better. Like a weight had been lifted from their shoulders. But when they lapsed into silence, they found that they were not magically sent back home.  
  
"We're still here," Buffy said.  
  
"Yeah, I know. Guess we still have more talking to do."  
  
"Ok. When did you know you loved me?"  
  
"Well, **I** knew after I tried to get my chip removed for the last time. Dru knew after we left Sunnydale, while we were in Brazil," he said ruefully.  
  
They discussed every encounter that they could remember, from the very beginning. Most of their conversation centered around the fights, and both praised the other for technique and style. Buffy may have hated him at the time, but she could still respect what a masterful fighter he was. And half of Spike fell in love with Buffy because she could so thoroughly kick his ass.  
  
More hours or days passed, and still they were stuck in the empty darkness, going over the past. When they ran out of stories about each other, they moved onto their personal pasts. Spike told her every detail of his existence from his childhood until he met her. He recited all the poetry that he had ever written. His life was laid before her in all its bloody gory, in scarlet techincolor. She was not able to escape it, or close her ears. She was forced to listen to him relate how the man became the monster, and what the monster had done in its height of depravity. She could trace his development from that monster to the vampire she had grown to love.  
  
When Spike was done with his narration, Buffy launched into hers. It was much shorter, and not nearly as revolting. She told him that she had been a cheerleader, that at one time her main goal in life was to marry Christian Slater and become a personal shopper. She held back the tears when she informed him of her parents' divorce, and the subsequent move to Sunnydale. The first time she met Merrick, the first time she slayed a vampire, the first time she met Giles, Xander, and Willow.  
  
By the time they were finished, they knew each other's secrets, dreams, hopes, sins, glories, loves, hates, passions, desires, and frustration. And still they sat in the dark.  
  
"I don't know what else I can tell you," Spike admitted.  
  
Buffy laughed, "Neither can I. You know everything, even my shoe size."  
  
"Oh wait. There's one thing. I love you Buffy Anne Summers the Vampire Slayer with all of my heart and soul."  
  
Buffy smiled, "I love you William the Bloody will all of my heart and soul." And she really did too, even with the full knowledge of his past.  
  
As the words escaped her mouth, light flooded her vision, and a million sensations, sounds, and colors flooded her senses. She closed her eyes against the sudden brightness, but it didn't do any good. It filled her body from the inside out. Before she was lost in the vast darkness. Now she was lost in the blinding intensity of a thousand suns.  
  
Sorry for the short chapter folks. Work and school calls though. =( 


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20  
  
Buffy was not happy with the latest development. The light and heat was burning her, and she felt like she might burst into flames any second. She was concerned about Spike. She could handle this **effulgence**, but could Spike? Light was his natural enemy. He could be burning to a cinder right now, and there was nothing she could do about it.  
  
She opened her mouth to shout his name, but the only thing that emerged was another white-hot beam of energy. She called forth all her strength as a Slayer to keep from panicking and to keep a level-head. Where ever she was, and whatever was going to happen, she would be fine. And so would Spike, because she was not going to lose him after all of the shit they've been through since she was raised from the dead.  
  
Finally, the light subsided and she could open her eyes without feeling like her brain would boil in her skull. The fevered flush of her skin began to dull, and she felt the sweat trickling down her spine. Her eyes slowly began to clear and adjust to her new surroundings.  
  
She inspected her hands like she had never seen them before. They were her hands, she was sure of it. They looked like her hands. The nails were covered with the same chipped red nail polish. She still had a freckle on her third finger. But the wounds and the scars were gone. Sure, scars healed quickly, but she had some from the past few weeks. Like, when she drove her fist through the wall in a fit of anger because her favorite shirt was wrinkled. But her hands looked clean and perfect. They weren't the hands of a Slayer.  
  
They weren't the hard, calloused hands of a killer.  
  
Using one of her fresh hands she reached up and rubbed the spot on her neck that sported the scars from the Master, Angel, Dracula, and most recently, Spike. Her skin was smooth. There was no raised car tissue. That's when she saw it.  
  
Her hair was no longer the golden blonde she had favored for the past year. It was the deep brown, only a shade darker than Dawn's. The dye had bled from her hair, leaving the color that she had worked to destroy for years.  
  
She attempted to walk, but her sure stride as gone, and she was left teetering on unsure legs. Tired and confused, she fought the urge to simply flop down on the ground and wait for Spike to find her. She wasn't going to just sit around like some simpering female. Time to explore.  
  
She was slightly worried about Spike. If he survived that intense light, would he be changed too? Would that sexy scar on his eyebrow be gone? Would his hair be brown too? Would he still be a vampire?  
  
This time when she opened her mouth to call for him, words did emerge, but at a very soft volume. It wasn't much more than a whisper. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't force anything louder than that past her lips.  
  
Buffy sighed, and looked around her, taking in her surroundings for the first time. Everything was a startling white. She seemed to be in some sort of garden. But even the trees and the flowers appeared to be white-or maybe the color was simply washed out. There were varying shades of white, the ground was almost gray. She was standing on some sort of path and the most logical thing would be to follow it. So she did.  
  
She felt the insane urge to start whistling a jaunty tune as she skipped down the gray-brick road. She continued to try to force Spike's name past her lips as she walked, but still to no avail.  
  
Buffy concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, her eyes scanning the surrounding area for Spike. She tried to reach him through the claim, but she couldn't feel him. She was truly alone in this bizarre, colorless world. It was so bright. She preferred the dark better. At least there, she was with Spike.  
  
She stopped suddenly, realizing the implications of what she just thought. She'd rather be with Spike in the dark instead of alone in the light. The very thing she struggled so valiantly against. She broke up with him because she didn't want to be in the dark. She was so happy when she found out about his soul, because then she could love him, he didn't have to live in the dark. But what did it matter? Dark, light, right, wrong, she loved Spike and she wanted to be with him.  
  
This thought increased her desperation to find him, and she somehow found the strength to call his name above a whisper. He had super-hearing, if he was around, he should be able to hear her heart beat, if not her voice. So engrossed was she with her thoughts of finding her vampire that she tripped right over him before she saw him.  
  
"Spike! Oh God! Spike, are you awake."  
  
He groaned, "I am now. What's all the shouting about?"  
  
She couldn't believe that he was grumpy because she woke him up in this weird, washed-out world. "Uh, the fact that we're stuck in some bizarre dimension where everything lacks color?"  
  
Spike looked around, "What happened to your hair, pet?"  
  
She looked at a stray lock and grimaced. "Lost the hair dye."  
  
"I think it's nice," he said casually, then looked around, taking in his surroundings. Buffy sighed with relief. He looked the same. He still had the scar above his eye, his hair was still a startling platinum, he still looked and sounded like Spike.  
  
"Thanks," she said shyly.  
  
"So, what now?"  
  
"I think we're just supposed to keep walking." She held her hand out to help him up, but when he grasped it, he pulled her down on top of him. It occurred to her to struggle, but she really didn't want to. She melted happily in his embrace, returning his kiss voraciously. She had wanted to hold him so badly while they were talking, and being unable to touch him really drove her crazy.  
  
"I was so scared," she admitted against his lips.  
  
He pulled back slightly, "Why, luv?"  
  
"The light, I thought it burned you," she explained softly.  
  
"The light?" Spike asked confused.  
  
"You didn't go through that amazingly bright and painful light?"  
  
Spike shook his head, "No, I was in the dark until I heard you shout my name, then I opened my eyes, and here I was."  
  
"Oh," Buffy replied, confused. "Uh, that's weird."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I thought the light was going to burn me from the inside out."  
  
"Is that what happened to your hair?"  
  
Buffy shrugged, "Maybe. Probably."  
  
Spike pulled back even further, and brushed some stray hair away from her eyes. He carefully examined her eyes, looking for any hint of disgust or regret, or fear, or loathing. He placed a feather light kiss on each of her lids. "You mean it then?"  
  
"Why do you ask Spike?"  
  
"Because of everything I told you..everything I said. You shouldn't love me Buffy."  
  
It was still hard for Buffy to deal with the serious and sincere Spike. It always threw her slightly. Before it was uncomfortable for her to look him in the eyes, she was too frightened at what she might see reflected in those deep, blue depths. She was too scared of what she might fine-something beautiful and precious that didn't belong in a monster, something she wasn't good enough for.  
  
He was the only spot of color in this world, and he contrasted sharply with his surroundings. His blue eyes, always intense, were even more so now. They were almost as blinding as the fire that tried to rip her into pieces. In the dark, in the light, it didn't matter. She needed him.  
  
She smiled at him, "But I do, Spike. I really do. Now come on, let's figure who we have to kill to get out of here."  
  
He smiled broadly and allowed her to pull him to his feet. "Right, let's go."  
  
It seemed that as soon as they started walking they reached their destination. Their destination was apparently a large fountain that stood 40 foot in the air, and was easily 100 yards long, complete with marble statues of young women. But they weren't sexy, nubile nymphs. They were warriors. They stood in fierce stances, squinted eyes focusing on their prey, hands grasping swords, stakes, and crossbows. They were Slayers. Clear, clean, pure water cascaded past their unseeing eyes and unmoving bodies.  
  
"Buffy, look," Spike said softly, pointing to the statue at the end of the line, closest to where they were standing.. The likeness was perfect, and it was impossible to deny that the final statue was her.  
  
"What is this place?" She breathed.  
  
"I don't know, pet, But I bet she does," he pointed to the black woman glaring at them.  
  
"The First Slayer," Buffy said, not really surprised.  
  
"Uh, pet? Why is the Good Witch here?"  
  
"Who? Oh, Tara is her voice."  
  
"Huh? How do you know that?"  
  
Buffy smiled wryly, "Saw it in a dream once."  
  
"Hello, Buffy," Tara smiled warmly. "It's good to see you again."  
  
"Are you really here, Tara?"  
  
She nodded, "I'm here as long as you need me."  
  
"What about Willow?"  
  
"She knows."  
  
Buffy frowned, but was stopped from asking further questions by the First attacking Spike.  
  
"Hey," she shouted, pulling the other woman away, "hands off of my boyfriend."  
  
"He is dirty," Tara intoned solemnly. "Unclean. Unworthy."  
  
Spike shot a hurt glance at Tara, but Buffy helped him to his feet and whispered in his ear, "Remember, she's the First Slayer's voice. Don't be upset at her."  
  
Spike nodded as Buffy turned to face the source of her power. "He is not dirty, unclean, or unworthy. He is an amazing man, and I love him."  
  
Then, the First Slayer surprised all of them by smiling. "Love is your gift," Tara said softly. "And now you must be faced with your destiny."  
  
"What is my destiny?" Buffy demanded.  
  
"To become a Goddess."  
  
"I don't understand." It didn't matter how many times she heard it, or who said it, she still had a hard time grasping this fact.  
  
"Lilith was the beginning of your World. I was Lilith's daughter-a Goddess in my own right, not just a demon. That's where I found the strength to fight. That is how you were able to defeat her, and house her essence. You are the strongest Slayer, stronger even than I." As Tara talked, the First Slayer slowly circled the two of them, who stood unmoving, only their eyes tracking her movements.  
  
"Now it is time to complete that. You will become the Eternal Slayer."  
  
Buffy reeled back, as if hit. "What? I don't want to fight eternally!"  
  
The First Slayer shook her head, "You cannot stop it. It has already happened. Now, you must decide what to do with the vampire."  
  
"Wait," Buffy said, "What about my friends and family? Do I have to leave them?"  
  
The First Slayer growled, "You should never have had them. Slayers work alone. That's how it should be. You cannot return to them."  
  
Buffy pulled herself to her full height and the power emanated off of her body, "You cannot stop me from returning to them."  
  
She shakes her head, "No."  
  
"I will not leave Dawn. Or Willow. Or Giles."  
  
Spike smiles slightly. This is her determined voice. This is her bring-on-the-devil-and-all-the-armies-of-hell-and-you-still-won't-stop-me voice. Her will, determination, stubbornness, is one reason he loved her so much.  
  
"Or the vampire?"  
  
"I will never leave Spike."  
  
"You cannot have them all."  
  
"I can."  
  
"We shall see." 


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21  
  
The First Slayer indicated that they should sit. Neither Buffy nor Spike wanted to sit. "We will be here for a long time," Tara informed them.  
  
They looked at each other, and then sat on the ground. Buffy moved as close to Spike as she could without actually touching him. She didn't want to show weakness to the source of her Power, but she also needed Spike's strength. Her friends, her love, that was the real source of her Power.  
  
"You love the vampire," the First stated.  
  
Buffy nodded.  
  
"He is dark. Darker than you can imagine."  
  
"He has the light of love," Buffy countered.  
  
"He's full of terrible anger and violence. His demon is strong."  
  
"His heart is stronger."  
  
"He can kill you."  
  
"He won't."  
  
"You will kill him."  
  
"Never."  
  
Spike listened silently to the exchange, but not because he wanted to. He was unable to speak. His eyes flashed with anger, and Buffy put a comforting hand on his arm. This was her test, not his.  
  
"You trust the vampire."  
  
"Always."  
  
"You let him drink from you. You belong to him." Disgust and disappointment was clear in Tara's soft voice.  
  
Buffy lifted her chin defiantly, "We belong with each other."  
  
The First Slayer touched Spike's face, caressed it slowly. He didn't pull away from her touch. The gentle caress changed into something violent as she scratched his face. Spike still didn't move. She licked the blood dripping from his cheek, and Buffy jumped up angrily.  
  
"Leave him alone."  
  
"Quiet child, he is fine."  
  
She lapped at his skin again. Buffy wondered if he enjoyed it, he didn't seem repulsed by it. She reared back him suddenly and wiped her lips. She took several steps back and hissed.  
  
"He is worthy."  
  
"Worthy of what?"  
  
"You may choose him, if you desire."  
  
"Choose him for what?"  
  
"To be your companion." Tara lifted her gaze and looked at Buffy in the eyes. "Buffy, you need to understand what this means. Half of your power will go to him, you will be bound to him for eternity. He will be made a God."  
  
Buffy liked the sounds of that. She liked it a lot. But she didn't like the look on Tara's face.  
  
"So what's the downside?"  
  
"You can choose him for eternity, or you can choose the others. He is too strong to share the power, he'll need almost as much as you do."  
  
"But the others can share?"  
  
"They can be made demi-Gods and be with you forever."  
  
Spike turned to his lover and the tears in her eyes nearly tore out his heart.  
  
"I..I have to think," she whispered, standing up and moving away.  
  
Spike stood also and followed her as she walked further away from the First Slayer and her Voice. "I can't make this decision."  
  
Spike nodded sadly. He knew that she could never choose him over her friends, the Watcher, and especially Dawn. Their lives would be so short, and Buffy would miss them so much if she could never see them again. It would be a pain that would never leave her, no matter how long she existed. And if she chose him, he would be partly responsible for that pain. He swore he would never hurt her again, and he meant it.  
  
He couldn't help but feel extremely guilty. This was all his fault. If he had never ran off to Africa to get a soul, Buffy would never be put in this situation. But Buffy never would have loved him either, and he was willing to exist without her as long as he had the knowledge that once upon a time, she loved him.  
  
"Buffy, I think it's obvious what your decision should be."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Choose them."  
  
She furrowed her eyebrows, "Why?"  
  
"You'd be miserable without them." Spike's voice was think, his throat was constricting with each word.  
  
She wrapped her arms around him, "I'd be miserable without you."  
  
Spike shook his head, "No, you wouldn't. You'd be fine."  
  
"No, Spike, you're wrong. I could never be fine without you."  
  
"What about Dawn? Willow?"  
  
She touched his lips with a lingering kiss. "I have a plan."  
  
"Buffy, I love you. I just want you to be happy."  
  
"I'm happy with you. You're heart is breaking, I can feel it. Don't be sad Spike."  
  
Spike searched her face, looking for any doubt, but he only saw confidence. He trusted her, and if she had a plan, he would follow her lead. She kissed him again. "I love you Spike."  
  
She took his hand and led him back to where the First and Tara was waiting. "When am I going to become a Goddess?"  
  
"Right away."  
  
"No."  
  
"What?"  
  
"No, I don't want to right now. I want to wait."  
  
Both the Slayer and Tara frowned. "I do not understand."  
  
"I want to see Dawn grow up. I want to see my friends live their lives; I want to be part of their lives. I want to see how successful Willow will be, and I want to see Xander and Anya get married and raise a family. I want to travel to England with Giles and see where Spike grew up. I'll never have a normal life, I know that, but I want to have a life. You can't take that away from me." Buffy paused for a deep breath and squeezed Spike's hand. "When they are gone, then I will become the Goddess. With Spike."  
  
"It cannot wait. You cannot wait."  
  
"Either my demands are met, or I refuse to do it. You can't force me to do anything."  
  
The First tensed and looked as though she was prepared to strike. "You do not understand."  
  
"No, you don't understand. I didn't have any choice about becoming the Slayer, but I have a choice now."  
  
"Your friends are not important."  
  
Buffy's face turned red and she moved forward quickly, grabbing the First by the hair and flinging her to the ground. She held her down with her body, and moved so that their faces were nearly touching. "I will say this once, and you will understand me. There is nothing in this world more important than my sister, my friends, and my lover. I fight for them, I have died for them, and I will gladly lay my life down for them again." Buffy gripped her hair tighter and forced her hair back, "You know nothing about it. Do not talk about them like that again."  
  
She let go of the First and quickly stepped back, crossing her arms. "Do we have an understanding?"  
  
"Yes," Tara whispered. "Your demands are met. You win."  
  
Buffy smiled broadly, "I always do."  
  
Then the world went black. 


End file.
